Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Nothing about this is comical.

Over the past eight months, I've never once turned against my own gender. Why? Because sisters need to help sisters, at least that's what I say. But when you're "in a mood" as I am tonight, you just want to break out the claws and start scratching. Bitches.

Let's face it - as I said on day one, everyone fits into neat little categories, and I'm here to call them out. And girls? They're no exception.

I remember one summer when I was 12, I went to visit my aunt and uncle and cousins in Edmonton, and I uncovered my older cousin's Archie collection (and Penthouse, but that was one of many defining moments where I definitely knew that another pair of breasts didn't interest me whatsoever), and spent the rest of my vacation reading each and every comic book in the collection.

Well, it seemed to me, even then, that there are two kinds of girls out there - Bettys and Veronicas. Yes, just like the Archie comics.

Bettys are beautiful in their own right - they're smart, and fun, and make the best friends for guys. They're always secretly hoping that one day their Archie is going to turn around and realize how f*cking great they are. And if you asked Archie, he'd probably tell you that Betty was awesome, and funny, and great, but that she was just considered a friend, or a contingency f*ck if things didn't work out with someone more exciting. They'll let Archie do his little f*ck-and-chuck scenario, and come back for more every time. Why? Because they're nice.

But Veronicas are also beautiful. Extremely beautiful. They ooze sex appeal, and they are so unapproachable that Archie's almost frightened to say anything to her. But then, because he has a penis, and because he can't resist, he does. He keeps trying and trying because Veronica is fascinating. She has that je ne cest quoi, and he wants to hit the...well, whatever "quoi" means in French. Some Veronicas can f*ck him over, or act like a psycho, and he'll take it. He'll continue to take it because she's hot and she can get away with it. Bitch.

Bettys and Veronicas can be friends, but more often than not, they are enemies. Particularly when fighting over the same Archie. They'll never truly understand each other, and they will always compete. It's just the way it is.

Perfect example: Brad Pitt (Archie). He has a Betty (Jennifer Aniston), and a Veronica (Angelina Jolie). Wait, I think I just cast yet another movie remake. Anyway, Betty lands a hot guy that looks like Brad Pitt, marries him, and lives happily ever after...until he starts shooting Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Coincidence? I think not.

I have come to the conclusion that I am a Betty, and this disturbs me. Wherever I lurk (not that I do much "lurking", but it seemed like a good word to use), some hotter, more fascinating Veronica lurks. I have never known a situation where I am the Veronica, and if anyone is aware of one, please, feel free to share with me, because this little casting session has left me slightly distrubed and discouraged.