Ringling Brothers: We Don't Suck
This past weekend my friend J, my other friend J, my sister and I went to see the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus, courtesy of some free tickets from a vendor.
Good thing the tickets were free - I almost asked for my money back.
Now is probably a good time to mention that I have never been to the circus in my entire life before last night. My parents, having given me a pretty awesome childhood, were really good about most things. We went to the Icecapades, we went to WWF wrestling matches (it was the 80s), and we went to the Louvre. We did not, however, go to the circus.
You can imagine my excitement to see the lions and tigers and bears - oh my! But perhaps part of the disappointment was that I think I've confused a circus with a carnival and a zoo. I was shocked (and sad) to find that there were no bearded ladies, no funhouses, no monkeys, and most importantly, no circus peanuts. How the f*ck do you not sell circus peanuts at a circus?! Tell me how this makes sense! I demand an answer! Defend the hypocrisy!
There were tigers. There were weird chicks in spandex toe-touching, a la Jane Fonda exercise tapes on VHS, circa 1984. There was a ringmaster (see above graphic) who strangely resembled Vanilla Ice, and his sidekick who drove a giant train shaped like a shoe, who looked a hell of a lot like Ryan Cabrera. There was a little troupe of Asian men who jumped through hoops and made Yao Ming look like a joke.
Maybe I've been a little too stressed out lately, because I found myself wondering if I would make more money in the circus as opposed to at my real job. Sadly, I found that I would. Tumbling class, here I come!
To add injury to insult, we were totally ass-raped into spending $10 on cotton candy (although it did come with a multicolored hat that would be perfect for my outfit the next time I attend a Gay/Lesbian/Tranny parade), $18 on this spinning light thing that I insisted on buying simply because I like shiny things, and $6.75 for a cheeseburger that caused hours of entertainment for my large intestine.
This whole experience, while worthwhile (but just so that I could say I've been to the circus), prompted the four of us to come up with new taglines for Ringling Bros. Formerly "The Greatest Show on Earth", we proposed the following:
Ringling Bros. - "The Greatest Show on Neptune, Perhaps, But Just A Decent Show on Earth"
Ringling Bros. - "A Decent Show on Earth, If You're Willing To Pay For the Tickets"
Ringling Bros. - "We Don't Suck"
That pretty much sums it up. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to practice my toe-touches and aerial gymnastics.
posted by KA @ 6:31 PM
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