Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Profile: Jerry Maguire

So each week, I've decided to profile a new type of guy/girl out there who is f%$king up the dating scene, one person at a time. I'm not trying to be a downer here, because that's not really my style, but I truly believe that people can fit into neat little categories of assholes, and I am here to call them out.

Ladies, beware of "Jerry Maguire". I decided to start with Jerry, as there seem to be a lot of people in my life lately who fall squarely into this category. Jerry Maguire is the ultimate salesman - everything from his 50 tubes of pomade in the bathroom to his 1,000,000-watt smile politely screams, "I am going to close the deal, and as soon as I get you, I'm going to get sick of you and drop you on your ass."

Jerry is usually very into his work. I actually saw an ex-Jerry last week, who wasn't even in the media industry in which I work the last time I saw him, selling his network and working the room at a charity event. On my way to the (cash - awful!) bar for another chardonnay, I walked past him and had the misfortune of having to make pleasant conversation with him. He kept picking my brain about who I knew and who I didn't know, but my mind kept flashing back to him serenading me with Extreme's "More Than Words" on the guitar (I know, I am hit with a wave of nausea as I recalled that), and the fact that I've seen him naked. Immature? Maybe. But better than listening to him talk about business, and himself, and his business, and himself? Absolutely.

Jerry is also very into himself. He loves thinking about: himself, his work, what he's planning next, who he likes to associate with, and whether or not he should change his hair. Oh, and if he's a more "mild" Jerry, he might be selfless enough to think about what you think of his hair. Maybe he'll even ask you out loud - before he answers his own question.

Jerry is dangerous for a number of reasons. He will woo you - at any cost, and usually because he earns enough to afford "any cost". He will make lots of plans as well - within a week you will be trying to figure out what to wear to his grandparents' 50th anniversary (don't sweat it - you'll never go). He will tell you that you are different from any other girl he's ever been with. And then - when you're least expecting it - he will drop you so hard you'll be spinning faster than a college freshman who just drank a fifth of 151. (Although that might actually just kill you, but you get the point.) Usually, he'll drop you because -- well, honestly, he needs some more time for himself. To pursue other interests. Like chicks. That aren't you.

Jerry is a tough guy to deal with, because you won't see the warning signs. He is the "syphilis" of the dating world, so to speak (although quite frankly, I only know this from having read those pamphlets about "the silent killer" at the doctor's office).

Some Jerrys, like the movie, grow the f%$k up and figure out what they really want. Some of them keep at it until they decide to settle down with the first sub-par nighttime bartender (or accountant) who "accidentally" forgot to take her pill. Either way, if he had you at hello, don't let him have you at goodbye. This guy sucks.

posted by KA @ 10:50 AM