Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Do I Have To Throw Out My Training Bra If I'm A Grown-Up?

Monday night. Wow, pressure is on. I feel the onslaught of self-criticism every Monday, because I know that I'd better start the week off with a bang. But not too good of a bang. Writing a really good post on Monday is like going out and having great sex on Friday night, and then sitting at home on Saturday, alone, nursing hangover, and watching "Gilmore Girls" repeats on ABC Family because you used up all your good mojo the night before, not to mention the bruising. (Not that I don't love Rory and Lorelei, but seriously. I'd rather have a hot naked guy in my bed.)

Today was Day One of the Workout Competition in my office. Despite having objected to this at my old job, and even protesting - I held an informal contest with another non-participating co-worker to see how many calories we could rack up without burning them off - new job, new me. I am in the competition. There are 8 chicks, and the three winners at the end of the month get treated to mani/pedis by the losers. I never met a bottle of OPI nail polish I didn't like, so I immediately agreed to enter, and here I am, Day One.

Today coincidentally marks Day One of my Extreme Life Makeover (ELO) program as well. Last night, after much thought and a few too many cheeseburgers, I conceded that I need to start acting more like a grown-up. I think I've taken Britney's "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" mantra a little too much to heart lately. And I can handle that truth, bitch.

So as part of my ELO plan, I am going to make a concerted effort to implement the following:

-I must work out at least three times a week (five is ideal).
-I must do crunches (upper and lower, which I hate) three times a week, to combat the aforementioned cheeseburger intake.
-I will pay all of my bills on time. With "on time" defined as the week that they're due.
-I will not open tabs at bars - cash only. This will (hopefully) help to control the cash flow. As if it's really even flowing (more like trickling), but whatever.
-I will do laundry every single Sunday night, one load for whites, one for darks, and one for sheets and towels. None of this eighteen-loads-every-three-weeks shit.
-I will not go to bed past midnight on a school night, unless there's a special night out (criteria to be determined), or I have a date. A really, really good date.
-That said, I will stop dating losers. I will no longer settle for the dumb hot ones, and I will actually take into account personality, education, and felony history, and judge based on that.
-To that end, I will stop meeting boys in bars. What kind of marriage story is that anyway? I don't want to tell my future unborn children that I met Daddy after five shots of Patron and a condom breakage. Sick. (Not that this has ever happened...it's more of a preventative rule.)
-I will stop checking my Hotmail every five minutes in the event that my buddy Dave has professed his undying love for me.
-I will eat more fruits and vegetables, even though I'd rather be eating a slab of meat. I will pretend that my bowl of blueberries is, in fact, a big ass, medium-rare cow with some seasoning salt and a dash of paprika.
-I will stop talking to God only when I am in the throes of passion and/or need a favor, and will start discussing life in-depth with our Divine Being on a regular basis.
-I will stop imagining what my male co-workers look like naked when I talk to them, and try to listen to what they're saying in order to better understand my client's needs and improve my work ethic.
-I am going to be a better friend to my girlfriends, and send them various e-Cards regularly to let them know I care.

Looking back on this list, it seems a little overly ambitious. I can probably swing the e-Cards, the laundry, the non-tabs, and the God thing. But everything else is a little sketchy, like me. At least it fits.

posted by KA @ 8:33 PM