Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Girl Secret #1, or the Patrick Swayze Theory

Alas, a new installment on the blog. An installment I like to call "Girl Secrets". I will post on this whenever and wherever the mood strikes me, because it's my blog, dammit.

Girl Secret #1: Every girl wants to be the "special" girl.

This came up earlier tonight while I was talking to my awesome friend Hilla. Here's the thing: with any - boyfriend, love interest, sex toy - that a girl has, we like to believe that we are the special girl that not only has the power to change the guy, but also, long after we've left the bedroom and the door has definitively shut (or been "slammed", ahahahhhahahaha), we like to think we're the girl that was never forgotten.

Remember that movie "Dirty Dancing"? I've yet to meet a girl my age that hasn't seen that movie and memorized almost every line (including my favorite, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner"). Every girl is looking for a guy like Patrick Swayze. He was tough, he was emotionally constipated, and he could bust ass on a dance floor -- until he met Baby. (Well, he could still bust ass on a dance floor, but once he met her even that went down the tubes - "I've Had the Time of My Life" was a definite downgrade from the watermelon scene.) Anyway, Baby rocked his socks off and turned him into this sensitive, loving guy we always knew he was.

Well, whether it's the guy that won't go down on any girl, or the guy that's never said "I love you", we, as women, like to believe that our mere presence, love, and affection will conquer any of these obstacles in a given man's life. We choose to believe that while dating or being involved with the guy, he has never complimented her or given her the swirly or whatever quite like he has done with us. We are special. We are the girl that will change his life, and render him an empty, hollow shell if and when we choose to drop him on his ass.

And here's the catch - it doesn't matter if the boyfriend was in high school, or college, or two months ago - we will always feel this way. Call it a territorial thing, if you will. If I find out that anyone I ever dated is remotely serious with another girl, I haul in the troops. Many girls do. We call up our good girlfriends, tell them what the juicy story is, and usually begin the dissection and analysis with a disclaimer of some sort, usually situational, i.e. "Well, even though I never called him back after I realized that he had commitment issues, I don't really care, but I just thought it was interesting that..." and BOOM! Dissection time.

Dissection time is like a ping pong match. The complainer (aka server) serves up a thought, and the job of the opponent is to match that with an equally substantive thought or theory. The game lasts until both players are exhausted, or someone's cell phone battery gives. An example of this might be:

KA: Okay, so even though I told him to f*ck off after he got really drunk that one night and tried to get me to have a menage a trois with some blonde bitch from the bar, I really don't care. But I did find it interesting that he's now f*cking another girl and took her home to meet his parents.

Friend/Opponent: Are you f*cking kidding? He probably took her home so they could announce that the times of not being careful while f*cking have paid off and now she's knocked up.

After about a half hour (or longer, depending on seriousness/length of time of relationship) of ping-ponging, and on the part of the overly-emotional girls, crying, the conversation usually ends like this:

Friend: Well KA, who cares? He's obviously a coked up/unemployed/heartless/stupid loser, and who needs that? You're better off without him. You were out of his league to begin with. You're [insert positive descriptive adjectives] and if he couldn't see that, f*ck him.

KA: You're right. F*ck him.

And yes, gentlemen, even if this was a girl you dated 10 years ago and barely rounded second base with, this will happen. No ex is immune to this conversation, or this type of behavior. It's just the way girls are. But like that horrible email of "Reasons Why Guys Love Girls" with the really bad girl-bashing jokes preceding it has magically forwarded itself to me regardless of how hard I try to ignore it, that's why you guys love us, right?

posted by KA @ 12:14 AM