Confessions of A Naughty Girl

The Art of F*cking, or a Pocket Guide to Sexual Vernacular

So, the other day, I was out with two very good girlfriends, having a very nice dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant named C'om. A restaurant that I couldn't pronounce, yet simultaneously struck a phonetic chord in my head and made me think of ejaculation. Interesting.

Anyway, we're at dinner, and we're going around the table trying to brief one another on what's going on in our lives, when we begin discussing love lives. And then, without warning, one of my girlfriends said it: the dreaded phrase. The phrase to end all phrases.


Did you hear that noise? It's Webster, turning over in his grave.

Why so bothersome, you may ask? Well, obviously, what stuck out at me like a sore thumb was her passive tense. She is what? Getting f*cked by him? She is a smart girl and I love her to death, but were we not paying attention in English class? Did we not learn about suffrage? Did our mothers burn bras solely to get more beads at Mardi Gras? Can we reference this without sounding like a piece of wood in a vice getting pounded by whatever those things are with the cross on the end that screws stuff in? (That was a joke. I swear!)

Dick f*cked Jane.

Jane f*cked Dick.

No one was f*cked by anyone.

That's just unprofessional.

Seems to me that we all could use a little crash course in grammar. So let's discuss the acceptable ways to state the above:

"He f*cked me." (transitive verb)
"I f*cked the hell out of him." (first person)
"He threw me down, bent me over, and we f*cked." (narrative sentence)
"We are f*cking." (present participle)
"We f*cked last night, and we f*cked this morning." (past tense)
"I'd like to f*ck him." (infinitive)
"He's one hot motherf*cker." (verb incorporated into pronoun)
"F*ck me." (command)

Sadly for my friend, there is no room in the list above for passive tense.

So let's move forward with the newfound knowledge that claiming that "getting f*cked by someone" is no longer (if it ever was) a valid description of a sexual situation.

Class is adjourned for today. Enjoy your recess. I'm going to f*cking sleep.

posted by KA @ 12:06 AM