Confessions of A Naughty Girl

I Enjoy MySpace Far Too Much For My Own Good

Since I know there are a number of newer readers to my blog (and I frankly have not had the time to write, although there are some things in the works - I promise! No writing means too much shit is happening for me to document), I've decided to take the lazy shit way out today and post a little interview I took on MySpace so you can get to know me better. And, if you so desire, feel free to interview yourself and send it to me. Really. I probably won't read it, but I'd appreciate the kind gesture.

You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?
Jesus, of course! I would show up for sushi and say, "Hey Jesus, what’s up. I'm a Jew. I expect my meal to be free. So unless you pay, I'm out of here."

Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently?
Wisconsin, without a doubt. I've hated Wisconsin since Summer of 2001 and cannot think of one reason to keep it around – especially since Qdoba opened restaurants in Chicago. I hate it so much I even tried to start a faction in late 2005 called "The Union Secedes from Wisconsin", but lost interest before I could plan my first rally.

You wake up as the opposite gender what's the one thing you wanna try?
I'd use my part to try and fornicate with an apple pie.

What's an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
Jail. A guy in with a felony is not a guy for me.

What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
Probably that movie where Usher is the hip hop bodyguard hired to protect that girl from Entourage and they fall in love. They almost shot him and I was fearing for the state of his abdominal muscles.

You're sentenced to death and its the morning of your execution, what do you want to eat?
Fried chicken from Watershed with creamed spinach and mashed potatoes (extra gravy). You can tell I haven't thought about this, right?

What's something that most people do that you've never done?
Drive with an open cup of beverage in the cupholder. And by beverage I mean anything, not even beer or whatever. I just found out the other day that Laura Lee puts cups in her car without lids. Cups in the car without lids? Are you insane? Well, apparently I am for not ever having done so, but I just don't trust my cupholders that much.

Before you die where do you want to go to...?
Rio de Janeiro. I have this recurring fantasy where I'm like Stella in "How Stella Got Her Groove Back", except for in Brazil. I just pick up and go to Brazil and some hot 21 year old admires my ass and we slow dance and Whoopi Goldberg is my funny sidekick that encourages me to take a chance on love.

Something you'd really like to do but probably won't ever be able to do?
Walk around without any panties on. I'd love to do it, but the thought of just hanging out there unnerves me.

A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet?
A jungle monkey. I know most monkeys aren’t "wild", per se, so I added "jungle" to it.

A drug you'll never try?
Probably none of them except for the Mary Jane, because although it's been ages, firing up a big fatty sounds awfully good to me every now and then.

If you were an animal what would you be?
A monkey. But not a jungle monkey, a domesticated monkey.

Whats something most people don't know about you?
I guess a lot of people don't know that I’m bilingual. My Hebrew sure does come in handy…uh…when I'm talking to a Dead Sea scroll.

Worst way to die?
I don't imagine burning to death would feel very good. I know this because I've been waxed the wrong way once or twice.

Grossest injury you've ever seen?
Jennifer took a pretty nasty spill a few weeks ago, and I swore she was sporting gay pride on her thigh. I'm sure that's not the worst, but I did choke down some bile on that one.

The worst injury you've ever had?
When I perforated my ear drum last year. I was out of my mind. I remember the doctor telling me that he prescribed "really strong aspirin" and having my boss send me home because she checked the label on the bottle and I was on narcotics and didn't even realize it.

What city in the U.S. do you want to visit?
Seattle. Or maybe Austin. I say Austin because I very publicly love Trent and would love to go hang with him in his new town…just waiting on an invite. Ahem.

What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about?
Stocks. Sounds nerdy, but totally true. If I could figure out how to bang the hell out of my dollars without the help of Charles Schwab I'd be a happy girl.

What's one phrase you absolutely detest?
"We’ll see". It’s so noncommittal. Someone used to say that all the time and I just wanted to poke him in the eye every time those words came out. Poke poke poke. You wouldn't see shit after that, now would you.

What makes an awesome party?
A few good looking single guys, a funnel, a box of Twinkies, and an arm wrestling tournament. I've been to parties with each element, but never one with all of them. Perhaps my future housewarming party will entail all of the above.

What's your material obsession?
Leather boots. All shapes, all sizes, all colors. Knee high leather boots will never elude me. Favorite kind of dog?White labs. But puppies only. I mean, full-grown dogs are fine, but puppies in particular are the cutest. Even if they do poop everywhere.

Worst drunken habit?
Stealing others' drinks behind their backs. Text messaging. Deciding that now's the time to work on all of my relationship issues. It's a miracle that I haven't contracted hepatitis, been banned from Verizon, or blacklisted from every ex-boyfriend's list. Shit, I have a lot of bad drunken habits.

It's Saturday at 3 am where are you?
Screaming "Chili Cheese Pup!" at the top of my lungs and/or on the way to Krystal.

Worst job you've ever had?
Serving Chinese food at Phan Shin. I was terrible at it, I made horrible tips, and I came home smelling like Moo Goo Gai Pan.

Ever fallen out of love?
I thought I did, but maybe I didn't. Maybe love is just one big cycle designed to make you miserable over and over and over again. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Next question.

What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone?
I'm not a math person, but I can't imagine what the hell this is supposed to mean. If you're referring to what I think, then when I was in graduate school, I once made a guy very late for his freshman English exam.

Have you ever dated someone you met online?
No, and more power to anyone who has, but I just can't fall in love with someone's "personality' via World Wide Web unless I've met them in person and know there's chemistry there. No one wants to f*ck a circus freak that they're not attracted to, even if he is "compassionate and family-oriented". Yawn.

Have you ever dated/fooled around with a coworker?
I did, and one would think it was a recipe for disaster, but we're still good friends. I'm not sure how his girlfriend felt about it at the time, but I had fun.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more??
Sure, I probably have three or four that I am still very good friends with.

Would you tell your parents if you're gay?
I would. I'm sure they wouldn't be humping the phone with joy, but they're pretty supportive.

Do you walk around the house naked?
All the time. This is why I like to live alone.

Where was your first kiss?
My first real kiss was outside The A (dorm) at Reserve with Joe. Joe loved me. I loved Joe's friend. I dumped Joe for Joe's friend. Joe now studies genetics at Stanford. Joe's friend is a bartender. I hate myself.

Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
Yes. If I see one more person spell "rediculous" with an "e" I'm going to start pummeling random people on the street.

Why did your last relationship fail?
Distance. Not really knowing what we got ourselves into. My overcompensating in effort for his seeming nonchalance. One person had their shit together, one person was trying to make life changes. Can you guess who had their shit together? Hi.

Are you afraid of commitment?
To some degree, yes. I think I can commit to sleeping with someone and hanging out with them for awhile, but I have a really hard time trying to envision going the distance with someone. I also just started hiccupping as I was typing this. Coincidence? I think not.

What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
I say knock yourself out if you can do it. But if you want something with me, it's at your own risk.

Are you a jealous person?
Not really. I guess it would depend on what we're talking about, but generally, I compete with myself. Everyone has their own trade-offs, and usually possession of one thing is offset by the sacrifice of something else.

Does it get annoying when somebody says they'll call you, but doesn't?
I used to love the phone. I now, short of a few exceptions, hate the phone. So unless it's someone calling with good news or a person of interest asking me out, feel free to bail on me.

If someone you had no interest in dating, expressed interest in you, what would you do/say?
If I wanted to hook up with them, honestly, I'd probably mislead them until I was finished. I know that sounds callous, but give me points for transparency. If I didn't want anything from them (as Bethany said), expect unreturned phone calls and physical distance.

What would you rather be doing right now?
Nothing, actually. I am quite happy on the couch.

Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
I usually get along with guys better unless I'm involved with them. But if it's one of my best girlfriends, probably girls. Jury is out.

Can others make you cry easily?
No. There are few people who can make me cry, and sadly for me, they're well aware of their powers and choose to flex those muscles from time to time.

Who was the last person to piss you off?
Someone who made me cry.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
To function normally, 8. To function without a cup of coffee in the morning, 10.

Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive?
I always thought the guys I was attracted to were pretty attractive. Oh wait, except for that med student Brian in college. I hope he ended up specializing in plastic surgery.

What personality trait is a must-have in the opposite sex?
Sense of humor. Goofy, dry, tongue-in-cheek, I don't care. Make me laugh and I'm yours forever.

Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
I don't think so. I used to think I liked a variety of guys, but I really don't. If you have blonde hair, I probably like you. If you are above 5'10", I probably like you. If English is your first language, I probably like you. And if you are awkward with girls, nerdy, or introverted, I will propose.

Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
No, but people I've dated have become best friends. Funny, that one-way street.

posted by KA @ 8:40 AM