Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Life Is Like A Pool At L.A. Fitness

Forrest Gump was wise.

He made a lot of really good points in his 1994 movie, like "Lieutenant Dan, y'aint got no legs," and "Jenny and I go together like peas and carrots," but as I was swimming laps today at the gym, I realized that Forrest Gump was - for better or worse - too poor and stupid to get the life metaphor right.

"Life is like a box of chocolates" - what the f*ck does that really mean? Certainly, life is unpredictable, but any person of reasonable intelligence knows that when you need to satisfy the sweet tooth, you go Godiva, or Vosges, or - if you're slumming - Russell Stover. All of which provide "chocolate legends" with each box, so that you can dive right in knowing what you're going to get. You know when you pick up the foil wrapped piece that you're getting the cherry-cordial-motherf*cker-who-I'll-see-in-divorce court, or that the horseshoe in the corner of the box is the chewy-caramel-boss-who-golfs-all-day-and-could-care-less-about-managing-anything. But you don't really know that in life, do you? So the metaphor is completely worthless.

I, on the other hand, know what life is really like. As I swam my laps today, I had an ingenious moment of clarity - life, my friends, is like a lap pool at L.A. Fitness. You start off in the shallow end, confident and sure of yourself. You test the depth and find that you can still stand up. You figure, "Hey, easy enough, right?"

You venture into deeper waters, a little unsteady, and at some point halfway through the lap, realize you can't touch the ground anymore (and yes, this metaphor does only apply to those like myself, who are under 5'4"). At this point, if you're me, you're panting a little and your arms are already kind of sore and you realize - no shit ain't gonna get you to the other side but yourself. So you take a deep breath and either go back to start to get the little floaty thing that will balance you and make it easier, or you suck it up and continue on to the other side, floating on your back the entire way, and kicking your arms and legs with abandon until you get there.

And then, once you do, you realize that the other side isn't all it's cracked up to be, because the ladder and the entrance to the pool are now at the other end, and that means you're going to have to swim all the way back.

Did I lose you? Okay, phew. I lost myself for a second there, too. My point is, life is like a lap pool because we are constantly swimming toward something, and then realizing that just because we made it there doesn't mean we're done. There's always another end of the pool to get to - somewhere else we need to go. We ultimately are responsible for ourselves, and the goal is to get to the end of the pool we're looking for in any way we can. Sometimes we need a little help from a floatation device - otherwise known as friends, or family, or significant others. Sometimes we get splashed by swimmers in other lanes on our way - unpleasant roadblocks or obstacles that serve to annoy us. But ultimately, we get what we want and keep on swimming, because if we don't, we get fat and look really bad in a bathing suit. And no matter what - we just hope that no one pissed in our pool, because that's disgusting.

Um...I guess that's all I have to say for now.

The End.

posted by KA @ 9:41 PM