If Men Really Do Love Bitches, I'm Gonna Have To Hire An Acting Coach
I am reading this new book called "Why Men Love Bitches", recommended to me by a co-worker and good friend.Although I am good and single for a long while, I should prepare myself for the next relationship right? Even though my knowledge of art is limited to Ansel Adams and whatever slides I was awake for in Art History freshman year, I think love is kind of like a piece of art - it never hurts to take a step back, reflect, and tweak your work. Maybe your next portrait needs an extra chin, your pointillism a few extra dots, your modern one less giant green blob that represents suffering. In that same manner, maybe Future Boyfriend needs a little more space, a little less mothering, a little more energy - but hopefully not an extra chin. I have no idea when the love of my life is going to walk through the door, but when he does, I want to do it up right and have a tray of petit-fours and a cold Heineken waiting for him. I don't want to f*ck it up and give him directions to the nearest men's room.
I am about 54 pages into this book and so far, according to this gospel (which I have paraphrased below, only because I am too lazy to go into my bedroom and cite actual passages), I have never done a single thing right. And with every passing page, I feel the same sense of shame I felt when I read "The Rules", "The REAL Rules", "The Rules Sequel", "He's Just Not That Into You", "You're Just Not That Into Him, Either", and "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret".
The sole purpose of these books aside from profit - I am convinced - are to make you feel like ass. Like rancid, saggy, miserable, Mom-jeans wearing ass. Oh, but there's hope! Through this guilt and shame, they preach, you'll feel empowered to change! You'll have healthy, substantive relationships! You'll have a five-carat diamond ring and a townhouse in the suburbs and he'll magically know where your clitoris or "G" spot are without you having to MapQuest it!
Well you know what, pathetic self-help book people, 1) you're wrong, and 2) f*ck change. I, ever the optimistic, nerdy, book-buying predator, have fallen victim to your bullshit, and like a ho wronged in a Nelly video, am up in your respective faces right now, wagging my finger and telling you to talk to the hand.
This whole book encourages secret-keeping and manipulation as a means to sustain a relationship, because your whole premise is to be inaccessible from the get-go. The one phrase synopsis? "Work him until you bag him and can (maybe) then let your guard down." And yes, in some ways, I am all for keeping secrets and mystery - but more in the way of not ever letting me in to brush my teeth while you do a #2 on the toilet, and less in the way of, oh say, not telling me you've gotten back together with your ex-girlfriend who looks like Melanoma personified.
"Have your own life - see him when convenient for you, not him." Seriously? I get home from work these days at 8 and pass out by 11. So if I am really going to be that inflexible, and he's willing to make a 10:08-10:38 pm sex date with me, then I guess I've found happiness. Otherwise, he's a dog. A mean, worthless, inflexible, dirty dog. Woof.
"Make time to see your friends - and make sure you continue to see them even while you're in the relationship". Ahem. Duh. This is an obvious rule, and I might add that I have a pretty healthy social life already, but nothing beyond a pair of AA batteries to keep me satisfied, and without giving you TMI, that toy gets plenty of exercise. I think, that if presented with someone good, I could find the time for everything - including the toy.
"Don't reveal everything up front - let him feel as if he's unwrapping a gift every time you tell him something new." Okay, I can understand if this "gift" is a metaphor for a vulva, and she's telling me to hold off on the sex for a few dates, but otherwise, I'm a little confused. Is he going to fall over when I tell him that cauliflower is my least favorite vegetable? Should I expect shallow breathing when I publicly acknowledge that I am sexually attracted to Will Ferrell? I am not the kind of girl who will give you my life story on the first date, but to sit there and look pretty seems kind of pointless to me also.
You know what - maintaining a sense of independence is necessary, but in order to be in a healthy, growing relationship, you have to relinquish some of that privacy. You have to compromise. You have to believe - or do a hell of a job feigning belief - that this is going to work, and sincerely try, even if it means taking yourself out of your comfort zone, or occasionally sacrificing your own needs or wants to please someone else. It is exhausting to maintain this nonchalant, uninvested facade - trust me, I've tried - unless, of course, you actually are nonchalant and not invested.
So far, all this book has really done is make me realize this: if you get me - if you are lucky to do so - we will do our little dance in the beginning, but at some point, that will evolve. If you prove yourself worthy, you will get my time, my efforts, my ass, my prioritization, my laughter, my ample breasts (thanks again, God), my compassion, my support, my consideration, my love, and my future. You will render all of the past bullshit absolutely irrelevant and you will get all of the shit I just listed with multiple commas - without reservation or manipulation or constipation. Like it or not.
This is the way I have always operated. And this is the way I will continue to operate. I've been in about a thousand relationships, but when it comes to the big ones - the ones that stay with me in the form of fleeting thoughts while I am in the car on my way to work in the morning, or perusing the shampoo aisle at Publix, or laughing with my friends at a bar, or fighting to keep myself awake when I am still at work at 9 pm with a morning deadline - the issues were never about giving too much of myself to someone, the issues were always about giving too much of myself to the wrong people. I can read a million books about how to shrink my heart - how to make it smaller, more selective, more valuable - but I can't read anything that will expand it - how to embrace the kind of overwhelming sense I get when I love someone, that mixture of pride and excitement and fortune and happiness. That I have been blessed to have had all along, no help from books.
So if men really do love bitches, I guess I'm shit out of luck. But I'd be willing to put a lot of money down on the fact that this just isn't true. Any thoughts?
posted by KA @ 9:28 PM
2 Comments:
I think a man's worst fears are routine, consistency, and boredom. I think I may be a beotch in the sense that I try my damned hardest to keep a guy on his toes.
Continue to shock the shit out of him and I believe you could classify yourself as a beotch. That doesn't mean you can't be vulnerable and giving and open to making sacrifices. I guess what I'm saying is, be a lady in the street, and a beotch in the bed. Just my two cents.
Wow...I agree with all of these things.
But to Tiney's point, it can be exhausting trying to keep someone on their toes. Sometimes you just want to wear the cotton underwear, read a book, and await the routine 9 pm phone call. Or should I fight that urge until I'm legally bound to the guy?
a. gish - I feel you. Our lives tend to operate similarly. I have never had a problem beating the unappealing guys off with a stick (NO pun intended here), but kick in a little reciprocity on my part and the guy is as good as gone. Then again, does that still classify him as good? Wouldn't being cool with a little acknowledgement make him good?
sandy, you are also correct. Dead-on really. If there's anything I've learned, it's that confidence - for both guys and girls - is the absolute key to attraction. But I sometimes find there to be a double-standard, in that confident women are often viewed as too "independent" and "intimidating". I mean, look at Hillary Clinton. Like her or not, she's confident. She's tough. She could bitch-slap the shit out of both you and I, but her husband, who most would view as extraordinarily successful having held the positions he's held, can't keep his dick in his pants. So even with a good match of independence like those two, don't you wonder if she might just be in a league of her own? (And for those of you who would accuse me of Democratic bias, look at Ann Coulter. She's not half-bad looking and extraordinarily successful and confident, and I don't know a man that would f*ck her with someone else's parts.)
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