Confessions of A Naughty Girl

The Ties That Blind

It's kind of weird how quickly dynamics can change.

I feel like for me, personally, my life the last few months has been a series of moments that go from 0 to 60 in under 5 seconds. With one statement, or one look, or one tone, everything I thought I knew gets turned on its ear and I have to spend countless hours trying to figure out how to reconcile all of it in my head. Growing up entails a lot of bullshit, but one of the hardest feats it presents you with is trying to figure out where your past fits in to your present - and your future. Let's face it - you're not in high school anymore. You're not in college anymore. You've grown up and moved on and things change. And not just for you - for everyone else too. We are constantly moving creatures in a world that changes as quickly as I type these words. It's exciting and it's frightening, but we're all in it together.

The problem is - and if you've read anything I've ever written, then you probably already knew I found a problem with it - we tend to hold on to a lot of things thinking that they haven't changed. I mean, yes, some of our goals and aspirations get a red pen revision - like the one where I'd be married by 22 and have my first kid by 25 - but a lot of them don't. Like the dream of backpacking through Europe in the summertime. Or going to medical school. Or the dream of making that one relationship where no one had their shit together before actually work this time around. Those are some comfortable dreams. They fit in nicely with the kinds of people we each think we are. They're the kinds of dreams that we refer back to and seek out when we're uncomfortable, or scared, or venturing into unchartered territory. They're the things that ground us and keep us true to who we think we are.

But for me, and in many different facets of my life, I am coming to the realization that some of the things I held on to just aren't really right anymore. Let's face it - I will probably never have another summer off in my life (unless I'm on maternity leave). If I want to backpack to Europe, I'd best be using up the majority of my paid time off, and what the f*ck tree do I think the money will grow on in order for me to afford it? Medical school - probably not happening. After having spent a good hundred thousand dollars on my college and graduate school education (which I was lucky enough to have had paid for in the first place), I sincerely doubt that a good MCAT score will be enough to convince Mom and Dad that I have a real talent for proctology. And forget about the relationships. It exhausts me to even think about it. I've been holding on to those ideas for a really long time, and over the course of the past few months, I've realized something that terrifies the shit out of me - I don't think I want any of those things anymore. Well, except for maybe the trip. Except for truthfully, I'd take South America over Europe any day.

Last night, I carefully made a list of dream jobs, and while "lady who names the nail polish for OPI" made the cut, doctor did not. I then made a list of all of the qualities I wanted in someone, which sounds kind of stupid but really helped me get my thoughts together. I had a somewhat short list of things I definitely wanted, but a much longer list of things I did not, based on past relationships. I then lined that up with the guy (well, guys) that I had in mind and found that pretty much none of them matched anything I had written down as a plus, except for maybe that they had hair (no offense, Bald Men - I love you, but you're not for me). All of the things I thought I knew I wanted - the things that I put up on a giant velvet-upholstered throne - had been knocked off with one fell swoop. What. The. F*ck. It was like I unlocked the f*cking Da Vinci Code or something - I felt enlightened, but completely threatened at the same time. I just kind of knew that things were never going to be the same in my head again.

There's a phrase for that feeling, and it's "clean slate". And after expressing - publicly and for the last few months - that I wished I had one, I finally do. I'm no longer a victim of the ties that blind.I am seeing things for what they are and realizing that I've been shortchanging myself for a long time. These trips I've wanted to take aren't necessarily where I want to go. These career moves aren't really what's right for me. And these people - these people are not in my league. They're good people, but I'm not sure what ever gave me the idea that I could settle for them, and how I was convinced of that for so long.

I kind of wonder where I go from here, because I feel like I have to hold myself to a set of completely new - different - higher - standards. And while I feel like it's going to be that much harder to find the perfect career, or afford the perfect trip, or find the perfect person, it's going to be well worth it. I just hope this shit doesn't change again because I'm having a hard time keeping up.

posted by KA @ 9:57 PM