Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Newsflash: Lava Lamp Liquid the Paris Hilton of Explosives

Isn't anything made in the USA anymore?

I bought a sparkle lamp (a lava lamp, but with shiny glitter) for my office cubicle a few weeks ago, because I work at an advertising agency, and for whatever reason, all advertising people tend to feel the need revert to college humor and decor as a means of proving that despite being proletariat pee-ons like the rest of corporate America, we're still cool and hip and in touch with our inner children and trends and college shit. In the three years I've worked in advertising, I've seen cubes adorned with anything from board games to N'Sync dolls to hippie tapestries to lava lamps. I've never actually seen a cube yet with a "Beer - Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 1863" or a Jim Belushi "College" poster, but then again, I wouldn't fall over in shock if I did.

Anyway, so as I'm finally unpacking my shiny pink sparkle lamp from its packaging, a little flyer with instructions falls out. I happen to pick it up and read, and the instructions are actually for "what to do if you come into contact with the lava liquid". Yes, emergency care instructions. Nevermind that you'd have to break the f*cking lamp itself to even get to the liquid, nevermind that there were no instructions on how to put the lamp itself together (presumably this was self-explanatory, whereas First Aid is not), this was the only set of instructions I had, and this is (verbatim) what I read:

What to do if you make contact with lava liquid

WARNING
A. BREATHED IN
1. Move the patients into the fresh area.
2. If breath stops, give artificial respiration.
3. Go to hospital right away.

B. POLLUTED SKIN
1. Wash skin for 15 minute with a lot of water.
2. Take off the polluted coat & shoes, do not put them on unless they are cleaned.
3. Go to hospital away.

C. POLLUTED EYE
1. Open the eyelid and wash eye for 15 minute with a lot of water.
2. Go to hospital right away.

D. SWALLOWED:
1. If patients keep the consciousness, drink two cups of water and making vomiting, then go hospital right away.
2. If patients loss consciousness, or have shaking trouble, please do not feed anything, go to hospital right away.

I really don't need to add anything else to this, do I?

I mean, who knew lava liquid was so destructive? This is like the new, hip, Paris-Hilton-It-Girl of hazardous material. Are we sure that Osama bin Laden and our friendly Muslim terrorist peeps aren't forgoing biochemical warfare and gel-based explosives for lava liquid? One would think that if coming into contact with it made you need to wash anything for 15 minute and go to hospital away would be damage enough, right? Wouldn't we all Salaam Allah out of fear of those consequences alone? Man, being a destructive terrorist sure is a lot easier than I thought.

Tangentially, reading this makes the nerd in me wonder whether the dialect of the instructions sounds more like Taiwanese-English-As-A-Second-Language, or Malaysian-English-As-A-Second-Language. I welcome your thoughts.

posted by KA @ 11:04 PM