My Stomach's Growling, But I'll Take A Snickers, Because Maneating Doesn't Satisfy
Men. What is wrong with you f*cking people? I usually stray from the man-hating blog, but it's been awhile, and I think it's long overdue. It seems as though many of you have forgotten the rules of basic human interaction, so maybe we need to de-brief.It's been three months, and I've gone through three of you in 2007, plus a few little situations on the side.
Good point: My year is off to a bang, since that averages out to about 1.3 of you per month, which would be a great average if we were talking about vacations, or hot dogs, or pairs of fancy-pocket jeans acquired.
Bad Point: 1.3 does not apply to the above examples. It applies to shitty, short-term, worthless relationships. And "maneating", while common to my love life, has never been an active pursuit of mine, honestly. In other words, I truly believe I'm a monogamist at heart, and if just one of you motherf*ckers turned out normal maybe I could stop passively-aggressively not return your phone calls and actually stick it for awhile.
The problem lies in the fact that there doesn't seem to be a happy medium. Like it or not, I am pigeonholed into one of three categories with guys, none of which suit me in any way:
"Cool friend": This is where you have a little something going on, perhaps you even hook up once or twice, and then you are somehow - mysteriously and imminently - relegated to "Cool Friend" status. You know, that point at which you are told (either solicited or unsolicited), that "You're a really cool girl! I like you so much. You're a cool friend." Seriously? A cool friend? You've been calling me every day for the last three weeks in active pursuit of...a cool friendship? I don't know what your other friends are like, but if they allow you to grunt and touch their breasts also, then you have got some seriously f*cking cool friends, buddy, so why would you need another one? You know what? I have friends. I'm not lacking in that department, and I have a battery-operated device that I can go home to after I hang out with my "cool friends" who I don't hook up with. F*ck off.
"Insta-girlfriend": This one's pretty simple - one day, you're single. You have a date. You have two dates. You have three dates. And the next thing you know, you're being referred to (by the other person) as a "we". You're being asked to do crazy things like plan them a birthday party or meet their parents. They're offering to come over and help you move - when your whole family is around and you've seen them three times in your whole life. There is no in-between. There's no "let's see where this goes". There is no, "Let's talk about this if we see it's getting serious." You, my friend, have been sucked into the vortex of relationship-iness, where not calling someone back within an hour gets you a half an hour discussion about where you think things are going and how your lack of effort is hurtful. Blech.
"Fake Dating": This, admittedly, is one I've been guilty of in the past. This is where you establish that you like someone, but both parties are too lazy to pursue the relationship, so you "fake date" about every three weeks or so. The desire to engage in "fake dating" is usually propelled by any of the following feelings: loneliness, drunkenness, bitterness, baggage from past relationships, confusion, and a sense of general malaise. "Fake dating" is the phone call once every three weeks, or the movie once a month, and is not to be confused with "real dating" - you know, where you actually see the person consistently.
So where has the happy medium gone? Where are the people out there who don't want to propose within three weeks, be your "cool friend", or fake date you? Doesn't anyone just want to go out and play it by ear? Do we have to be predisposed to one of the three above? This isn't a choice; it's purgatory. WTF.
I'm not asking for the moon here. I'm just asking for someone who isn't a screw to have normal intentions toward me. I'm a nice, attractive girl. I like the movies. I like pie. I like to have sex. I'm not going to be your girlfriend after three hours, I'm not going to be okay with hanging out once a month, and I have enough "cool friends".
Are you interested?
posted by KA @ 7:36 PM
2 Comments:
Ha, I almost spit Mountain Dew all over my screen. I think everyone being upfront is key and yet so hard. Often times, the cool chicks (you) are few and far between. Many girls I've dated in our age bracket say one thing to lure me in but then all of a sudden they're attached and they want instant girlfriend status...heeeeelll naw! I think both are just scared of what the others' reaction will be to that person's wants.
Agreed. And you know I think you're great, but rest assured I won't be referring to you as a "we" after lunch on Friday.
Allow me to caveat my post with one thing, though, which is that I also don't believe in "pointless" relationships. In other words, screwing with someone = not okay.
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