Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Fergie Has Josh Duhamel, But I Had A Pumpkin Pie And A Dominatrix

Happy Halloween!

Wait, what?! It's November 2nd? Shit.

Okay, so I'm a little late. But I've been tired, and I suspect I'm coming down with influenza, so bear with.

Halloween this year was probably the best one I've had since 1992, when my three of my neighbor's houses gave out full-sized Snickers when I went trick-or-treating.

On Thursday, my office had a "Fall Festival" party. "Fall Festival" is a euphemism for drinking good Oktoberfest-brewed ale all afternoon, occasionally checking emails, and participating in gluttony of the worst kind.

Earlier last week, it was announced that there would be a mini-pumpkin decorating contest. Whoever could best decorate a mini pumpkin would win the a brand-new iPod Nano. From the moment I read that email, I decided the Nano was mine. So I spent two hours gluing broccoli to a shoebox and came up with this creation:




This shit was good. NANO-good. The man in the photograph is my friend and co-worker Peter, and I figured the play on words would be a hit with the judges. (I also added a small disclaimer in the front that read, "No vegetables were harmed in the making of this nativity scene." I think I just wanted to intentionally misuse the phrase "nativity scene".)

Alas, despite my best efforts, I lost to a "Sleepy Hollow" creation with a Bud Light logo. Props to the girl, who spent lots of time on it. It was good. But it was not NANO-good.

The next stop was the "eat-the-apple-suspended-from-the-ceiling-with-no-hands" contest. I was all over it.



Insert vulgar comment here. I know, not my most flattering pose.

Again, despite best efforts, I suffered yet another loss.

At this point, my competitive attitude kicked in and I started entering every contest known to man. My final shot was in the pumpkin-pie eating contest. We had to eat as much of an entire pumpkin pie (covered in whipped cream) in three minutes as possible. I was up against some tough competition.



Humps, to my right, smoked me. She smoked everyone really. I came in close second (and we were up against some big guys, but I've never met a pumpkin pie I didn't like), but Humps beat the odds and took first place. I begrudgingly conceded.

After my three tough defeats, I was so full, so tired, and so confused that I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my ass. Good thing, as it was the weekend, and there was plenty of drinking to do.

First stop - costume party with Matt, Katie, and Schwartz:



Collectively, we were a Gilligan, a Blackeyed Pea, a Hulkomania, and Katie (not pictured) was a Victoria's Secret Angel Gone Evil. A nice variety box of chocolates, if you ask me.

And then, after three rounds of tequila, three beers, and half an hour of passing an $8 bottle of gin around and taking swigs, we discussed ourselves some religion:



The wheels fell off the bus from there. The only thing I can assure you from the next morning is that I did not wake up alone, and there was a sea of McDonald's cheeseburger wrappers strewn on my living room floor. I'll let you figure it out.

After a brief drinking hiatus, I resumed festivities on Monday at Riccardo's Insane Halloween Bonanza. Riccardo, an ex of one of my very good friends, lives in a nice little mansion and owns two restaurants, aka a real failure in life. His Halloween party is among the best in Atlanta every year, and I refused to miss it. With Humps and my friend Wendi in tow, we set off for what we didn't realize was going to be, like, the greatest party ever.



A ladybug, a Blackeyed Pea (again), and Tinkerho.

Okay, so here's the party: there was an anarchy symbol made of sand, a burning baby doll in the middle, tiki torches, and a smoke machine in the front yard. There was homemade shrimp orzo, marinaded vegetables, bruschetta, and stuffed grape leaves in the kitchen. There was a fully-stocked, top-shelf open bar on the patio, complete with hired bartenders. There were two real policemen who were monitoring the legal (and illegal) activity at the party. There was a naked burlesque troop performing in the living room. There was a dance floor, with a DJ spinning music. I have never seen anything like it. It was like the "Can't Hardly Wait" graduation party, but with more pot and alcohol. It was the adult equivalent of going to a bar mitzvah where they give out "I danced my ass off at Abraham's bar mitzvah" boxer shorts. Are you getting my drift?

And then it got even funner.

We made friends with a 41 year old grandma dressed in a dominatrix costume. When Humps asked her where it came from, she replied, "My closet! This is my Thursday outfit for my clients." Oh yes, she was a dominatrix. Like, a real one. Her ex-husband ("that bastard") got her into it. She spanks people's asses for money. Perhaps we should have hired her for the Clermont Lounge outing a few weeks ago. I bet she works wonders with a wooden mixing spoon.

And in case you don't believe me...




We followed her around for a bit, until she asked us if we wanted to go to "Dickville" with her. After a polite decline, she told us she had three Iranian men and a bottle of Viagra waiting for her in Buckhead and took off with some guy dressed as Flava Flav who had a mouthful of gold teeth and also with whom she had "slept with once while we were both rolling". Yeah, let that absorb. I don't feel the need to post any witty comments here. She speaks for herself.

After passing a 91 year old woman dressed as Patsy Cline, an Indian guy with pennies taped to his shirt (he was the "token Indian guy"), and a Playboy bunny, we headed into the living room to watch the burlesque show, aka two buck-naked, painted women dry-humping on the floor to some Black Sabbath-type music. We took pictures with them, which have not been uploaded yet, but boy will that be a treat. Trust.

So, all in all, an A+ Halloween this year. I think I have hit my Halloween peak...between all of the gin-guzzling, ass-slapping, dominatrix-hanging, burlesque-dancing fun -- and the shrimp orzo -- I'm not sure how '06 could top this.

posted by KA @ 10:20 PM