Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Sign Me Up, James! Feel Free To Invade MySpace.

My latest obsession is MySpace. I registered a profile a long time ago, but sort of forgot about it. A few weeks ago, I realized that a lot of college friends had looked me up and requested to add me, and once I did a little surfing, I realized that this was worth developing into a new obsession. I mean, yes, my allegiance to Friendster will always be solid, but when it came to the friendship networking game, MySpace brought their A-game and has sailed through the finish line, while Friendster is still wheezing and trying to make it past the first lap.

But here's the thing about MySpace...all of its features and capabilities make it very easy for white trash to hook up. Now, I'm not saying that everyone on it is white trash - hardly. If I was making that claim, I would be calling myself trash, and I'm sure we all know what a classy bitch I am. I also have some friends on the site. Obviously, they're not trash. They're great. So again, let's not misinterpret what I'm saying.

That said, I have received some unsolicited emails from losers, including this total f*cking idiot, who clearly knows nothing about me, and yet believes that his unsolicited offer is going to make me wet my pants and run to the nearest chat room:

From: james
Date: Dec 14, 2005 4:36 PM
Subject: hi
Body: im leaving for grad school sat and have been "fuckin up the town" so to speak the last few days before i go. one thing i didnt do while i was here was hook up with a stranger for sex...i always though it could be fun.. want to hook up?

OMG? Like, seriously? LMAO BRB TTYL LYLAS! U r kewl.

Idea: Seriously, I give him credit. It must not be easy to overcome being so pathetic and f*cked in the head and actually act on it by writing an email. And even then, I give him credit for choosing me, because, quite frankly, I'm sure there are some dumb whores out there who would actually sign themselves up for this. At least he picked someone with enough class and sense to humiliate him by posting his email on a blog and picking it apart. Nevertheless, it would have been done much better in person, at a bar. But when I think about why someone would do this over the Internet - especially when there are so many bars and dumb whores freely available outside of the cyber world, it makes me wonder just how itchy his sores really are, or how disgusting he probably is.

Grade: B

Vernacular: Okay, automatic points for use of the phrase "f*ckin up the town", which made me laugh, although I think the true intent was to make me believe that he was a hot piece. I mean, I don't know why I'm dim enough not to believe that girls are lining up for this guy. Especially because (and it was impossible to post this picture, as I am at work right now and don't have the right tools on this computer), but his profile picture is a man on the moon. Who doesn't want to fornicate with an astronaut?

Oh...wait. Those pictures aren't literal. He's not really an astronaut? He must just be ugly. No thanks.

Now, it's good to know that one thing he didn't do before he left was hook up with a total stranger. Because that means that if I was ever to get involved with our friend "james", I would hopefully be able to get a list of names to track back and figure out why I'm scratchy. That said, it wouldn't surprise me if those names were that of cheap hookers, inflatable sheep, ex girlfriends who have had his illegitimate children, and Paris Hilton. That bitch has slept with everyone.

Despite my total disgust at the disclaimer, I commend him on his ending-on-a-positive-note. Very persuasive. "I always thought it could be fun." Wow, fantastic! Like I give a shit if a total stranger thinks it would be fun.

Grade: C+

Execution: You know, I'm still a girl. If I'm going to be solicited for sex over the Internet, there had better be an offer on the table with a lot of compliments. He didn't tell me I was pretty, or that I seemed nice. He didn't even go for the personality angle and compliment my fantastic taste in music (or television shows). He just plucked me right off the 'Net, invaded MySpace, and hoped that I would jump on the opportunity.

Grade: D-

I guess the bottom line is, where do I sign up? I only have until Saturday to take advantage, and this doesn't seem to be an offer I'd want to miss out on...

posted by KA @ 7:57 AM