Can I Put Trojans On A Registry?
Help!It just occurred to me, six days prior to my friends' wedding to one another, that people actually buy gifts and shit for weddings, and that apparently, I cannot be an exception to this rule.
Whoops.
It's hard to believe that open bar comes with a price tag, no?
After racking the various wedding websites, and realizing that the only thing left was a hand towel or a f*cking ice cream scoop, I am running out of ideas, and running out of them quickly.
I can't very well get them the silly shit that is left on the registry due to my strong belief in wedding karma. I have a friend who once bought a sole garbage can off of a registry for his friend's wedding because he claimed that if it was on the registry, it must be acceptable. I swore then and there - if for no other reason - that I would never marry this friend. The married couple in question was bound to remember him for that "garbage" gift...payback's a bitch. And I ain't gonna be happy with no spatula for a wedding gift.
With that in mind, I had the following emergency conversation with my friend Paul, via instant messenger:
PWils133: you selfish whore
kadler4: hey one-nut
kadler4: i need your help asap
kadler4: you've been to weddings and shit, right
kadler4: what is an acceptable amount to spend
PWils133: on a gift?
kadler4: no, on a f*cking hooker
kadler4: come on, doofus
PWils133: hookers I go up to 200-250
kadler4: are gift cards acceptable?
kadler4: or anything off the registry? all that's left is bad shit
PWils133: yeah
PWils133: registry shit is what they want
kadler4: how about a gift card to a place they registered
PWils133: yep
PWils133: bingo
Phew, crisis averted. Thanks, Paul. You're good for something.
While I'd like to believe that most people marry for love (as opposed to dowry or shotgun), engagement is totally incentivized, especially for women. Once it happens, you get a giant rock, a lot of attention, and license to go apeshit on a wedding registry. And until you pick the right guy, you're f*cked. No fair.
Carrie Bradshaw once set up a registry for Manolo Blahnik shoes to celebrate her single status. I wish I could do the same, but not really because I'm single, but because I love gifts. If I could set up a registry for my quarter-century birthday coming up, I really would. Here's my running list of requests so far:
- giant bottle of Jose Cuervo 1800 (last depleted by Halloween party pre-drinking with Matt...it's amazing how much damage two kids can cause with a bottle of Jose)
- spatula, for scraping my ass off the floor on Saturday and Sunday mornings after I go out
- box of Oreo cookies
- cute underwear - it's my registry, I can sign up for whatever the hell I want
- back massager from The Sharper Image
- silver 2006 Acura TSX
- George Foreman for one
- a box of Trojans
- DVR (essential for the busy single person - and although I already have one, I could use the extra savings I've already paid for being returned to me as a gift)
posted by KA @ 8:01 PM
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