Confessions of A Naughty Girl

No One Likes Getting Smacked With A Dick

Picture it: you're at a bar, and you meet a nice guy. He buys you a drink (as he should), gives you a little attention - maybe attempts the white-man's overbite if there's a dance floor - and you're excited. Why not? The anticipation of maybe having met someone who's not just your average full-of-shit guy has you excited.

You politely excuse yourself to use the ladies' room, be it for seal-breaking or lip gloss re-application or whatnot, and you return to the bar. The guy is talking to some fake bitch that is totally out of his league and rolling her eyes at him every time he turns around to order another beer. He is no longer even remotely attentive to you, either because he's drunk, or he thinks this new girl is hotter than you, or because we live in a capitalistic society, and he believes that he is Trump Tower.

What would you call this scenario? I would call it, "Congratulations, you've just been smacked with a Dick."

Hold up. What?!

We have all been smacked with a Dick or two in our lifetime. Hell, I would argue that a good part of my past involves a succession of Dicks. And I am not an exception to the rule. Chances are, a girl has encountered a Dick at least once in her lifetime.

A Dick is a total jerk, in case you weren't picking up on that. There are a lot of them out there. To make sure we're clear on who a Dick is or isn't, let's do a little FAQ:

Q: Who is a Dick?
A: A Dick is a seemingly average guy, often typified by a cocky attitude and some version of a smirk. More often than not, a Dick is good looking, but occasionally, you're bound to come across one who has absolutely nothing going for him, yet still exemplifies Dick behavior. That one's a mystery to me, and why such a Dick would exist is really a million-dollar question. Seriously, I'll pony up a million dollars to anyone who can explain why worthless guys can still be Dicks.

Q: How can I spot a Dick?
A: A Dick is quite tricky - some are easily recognizable right off the bat, but many are very good at hiding their spots. Characteristics of Dicks can include (but are not limited to) any of the following: repeated unsolicited drunk phone calls; plan breakers who bail with no legitimate reason (and no, "I had shit to do" is not a legitimate reason); unemployed moochers; guys who hide their relationship with you from co-workers, family, or friends; talking a fast game and then never speaking to you again; guys who have economy-sized bottles of Jergens on their nightstand in plain view (such guys do exist); and liars.

Q: Is there anywhere I can avoid Dicks?
A: Sadly, there isn't. This particularly evil brand of male has infiltrated our everyday surroundings and can be found anywhere from within your very own workplace, to the neighborhood pub, to the gas station on the corner of Ponce and Piedmont. I even met one yesterday at the salon when I was getting my hair cut. He was gay and totally uninterested in me, but still definitely a Dick.

Q: Are all men Dicks?
A: No, absolutely not. The point of this post is not to turn you into a man-hating lesbian if you are a man-loving straight chick, it's simply to raise your awareness level of men who are just itching to mess with you, and to prevent you from getting into cahoots with such men. There are plenty of guys out there who are perfectly nice, respectful, and kind to the elderly. But there are also just as many - if not more - who are not. I have dated a significant portion of this population, so if you're truly concerned, or have specific suspicions, please email me and I'd be more than happy to provide a list of names.

Now that we've identified who Dicks really are, it's only fair to talk some shit.

Here's the thing: if you want to be with a Dick, I say go for it. At this point, I've reached a personal plateau in that I think I am over the thrill of being involved with this particularly evil breed of male. I mean, why deal with a beer-guzzling, burping, flatulating man who exemplifies asinine behavior when you could be with a beer-guzzling, burping, flatulating man who is nice to you? At the end of the day, there are still enough common denominators to split the difference.

Yet some women insist on getting smacked in the face with a Dick and seem to continually be surprised with the end result, which is usually when you bust him slamming you to his friends, or he goes three weeks without calling until 3 am on a Saturday when he's done unsuccessfully hitting on ugly girls at bars. Those women continue to convince themselves that they can change the Dick, make him a better man.

The truth of the matter is, only the Dick can decide if he wants to be a big man or a small man (no pun intended). The best thing to do once you have been hit with a moment of clarity - the realization that you are involved with a total Dick - is to run. Run fast. Run in your high-heeled boots, or the Roos, or whatever the hell you're wearing. Let him go. Take comfort in karma. Take comfort in payback. Take comfort in the thought that he'll inevitably resort to some brand of circle-jerks. Or that he'll wake up one day when he's eighty and realize he is alone and missing a testicle.

And if you still find the inherent need to mingle with Dicks, at least protect yourself. With a mindset, of course. Use them, have fun with them, enjoy yourself...but don't be expecting a phone call the next day. Don't expect anything beyond what inevitably transpires.

But consider yourself warned.

posted by KA @ 6:54 PM