Confessions of A Naughty Girl

The Tenets of MySpace Forensics

Well guys, it's official: I am addicted to MySpace. Sad, but very true.

My roommate from college got me hooked on it a few months ago, after he refused to call, email, or contact me unless it was through the MySpace channel. And seeing as he is my date to our mutual friend's wedding in June and I have no idea what the plan is - where he's staying, what we're doing, how long he'll be here, if we're buying a joint present - I had no choice but to harass him via comments and messages. Like any other addict, I didn't intend for it to turn into this. I didn't intend to engage in a daily battle for my sanity by logging onto the Internet, fighting the urge to check my profile, and then caving after less than five minutes, but shit happens, and now I am hooked. I always knew I was a quasi-loser, but I think that by virtue of recent admission to being a MySpace addict, I now fall squarely into the category of full-fledged loser. But at least I am having a good time on my way down.

The good news is that despite starting a new job tomorrow (which I am excited and a little nervous about), I have found my true calling. It is a very new, rapidly developing field that holds a lot of promise and very little compensation, and it's called MySpace Forensics.

MySpace forensics goes like this: if you look at people on MySpace carefully enough, you can cipher out their entire personal life. Which makes for hella good gossip. And even if you don't plan on sharing your findings, it's always good to know.

It is through MySpace forensics that I have managed to find out the following:

-My high school boyfriend likes to f*ck with slutty girls who have half-naked profiles and have exotic names like "Inga". "Inga" hails from Poland and loves to leave dirty messages for him, despite the fact that they've never met in person (or maybe they have?).

-One of my best guy friends totally denies the online thing. He is anti-Match, anti-eHarmony, anti-anything Internet related...yet he is totally talking to some girl he met on MySpace. And he's never even admitted this.

-A good girlfriend of mine who has repeatedly claimed she never talks to her ex-boyfriend has him in her "Top 8" (top 8 friends on MySpace...this shows up in the person's friends window when you look at their profile). Suspicious.

And all this can be found without so much as a word being uttered. Not one word, I say!

Now I know many of the people who read this blog, and I know that a shitload of you are on MySpace. So with that being said, I'll distribute some of my nuggets of wisdom in case you're interested in getting into MySpace Forensics. Below are some basic tenets on how to spy on others and get the most out of your MySpace experience. Enjoy.

Tenets of MySpace Forensics

(Patent pending, all rights reserved.)

Tenet 1: Consistency is key to determining the functions of relationships.
Who is posting comments? Do they post often? What kinds of comments are they? Let's assume you just gave me a nickel. In exchange I'll give you a clue. Here's the clue: people who f*ck comment often. People who have secret crushes comment often. People who are still hung up on the person comment often. People who flirt? Comment often. There's a pattern here. So if your boyfriend claims that his ex-girlfriend added him and he never talks to her via MySpace, yet you continue to see comments from her on a semi-regular basis, put your contact lenses in and read the fifth row down. The writing's on the wall.

Tenet 2: Cipher the priorities, and keep a close eye.
Most people have a "Top 8". In theory, this would be the 8 most important friends one has on MySpace. Now, while the entire f*cking planet is not on MySpace (although they should be), whoever is in the Top 8 makes a big difference. If he's a dude and his best male friend is not in his Top 8, either they're not really that close, or he is just looking to hook up with some skanky bitch and has sold out his friend for sex. (Which is baaaad. I repeat, Baaaaaaaad!) If, as in my case, your friend swears she is over her ex, and he's still in her Top 8, you might want to hold off on telling her that you just heard he had a threesome with two strippers.

Tenet 3: Note the status. Status is everything.
If the person you are dating is on MySpace, and he/she has a profile whose status says, "Single", you probably aren't dating exclusively. Conversely, if you've agreed to see other people, and his/her status says "In a Relationship", you might have to deal with a shitload of crying and hang-up phone calls in your future.
Exception: Anyone who puts in "Swinger". "Swinger" status is like the Wild Card of MySpace. If the person's listed as a Swinger (as I am), they're either intensely private and don't want strangers knowing their status (as I am), or they are probably attempting comedy and "keeping their options open" (which could include their being in a relationship and still looking around). Well, or they're looking to do you, your mom, your extended family, and pretty much anything that walks.

I would write some more tenets...perhaps in a later post, but unfortunately I have some errands to run tonight before I start working again tomorrow, so feel free to leave any comments or thoughts as you wish here. Or on MySpace. Because Lord knows I'll be checking again. In 5 minutes.

posted by KA @ 8:27 PM