Confessions of A Naughty Girl

That's Mine, This Is Yours

I miss my toxic friend.

Yes, I'll admit it. It's been less than a week and I'm already thinking about apologizing. That's the guilt of My People kicking in. I refuse to apologize, though. That's the stubbornness kicking right back.

The whole thing really gets to me because I've been great friends with this person for almost a year, since I first moved here. Many of my nights out since include memories of him - of inside jokes, of total mayhem. My toxic friend was definitely my partner-in-crime. He was the only person in the world that I would trust if we were lost in the wilderness somewhere. I was the only person who laughed at his jokes. And now, unless someone buckles, I am going to be a lost Girl Scout with nothing left to offer the wildebeasts unless I choose to use my girlish charm and offer BJs. And now, no one will ever laugh at his jokes because they're stupid.

I have seen Toxic multiple times in the last few days, and, much like a bad breakup, it is very awkward. Suffice it to say that there are a lot of uncomfortably long silences. And staredowns.

This sucks.

It did get me thinking about next steps though, which I suppose is good. Forward-thinking attitudes are good, right?

In any significant friendship or relationship that comes to an end, we must first acknowledge the dissolution of the relationship. This can be accomplished by any of the following singular instances, or a combination of them:

-screaming matches
-scathing rhetoric in emails or instant messages
-throwing beer bottles at one another's heads
-flat-out silent treatment
-repeating "I hate you I hate you I hate you" out loud

Once that's out of the way, you can go all Kramer vs. Kramer on the person. And this is where the real nastiness kicks in -- in the custody battle and division of assets.

Tonight kicked off our custody battle, when I was invited to play trivia with some of our mutual friends. I've been invited multiple times and this was the first week I could go. But since the Dissolution happened late last week and the team captain is my Toxic friend's best friend, I had to make sure Toxic wouldn't be there. And then I had to ask for permission to come. Otherwise, it would have been too weird. As if it wasn't weird enough that I had to actually ask for permission to come to trivia.

It strikes me very odd that in order to fully separate from something intangible, you have to divvy up tangibles. And although I haven't had a nasty breakup in quite some time (thank you Jesus for sparing me), I need to get back into the swing of claiming, "This is my shit. That's your shit. Piss off."

In college, I dated someone for close to two years. I hardly mention him because despite being what most might consider my most serious relationship, the breakup was so nasty that I think I've pulled some sort of Freudian shit and blocked quite a bit out of my conscious. He dropped out of school. He accused me of ruining his life. Yet no matter how much I have forgotten, it's not enough to forget that the division of property was like the f*cking "War of the Roses".

We lived together at the time we broke up. I moved out for the summer (and permanently, for that matter) and took his computer monitor, jewelry he gave me, digital camera, and various CDs I felt I was entitled to. I even took a few for posterity, which is why I suspect I now have shit like NoFX and Bootsy Collins in my music collection. I mean, it was totally unnecessary of me, and I certainly question my selections. What level of punishment I was really aiming for by stealing Bootsy? The result of all of this is at least one box full of his shit that has now traveled with me to three different cities. I have Bootsy, I have a monitor, and I have a 24K sterling silver necklace that I can't stand to wear not only because he gave it to me, but because the pendant looks like a big penis and I feel like a pervert wearing it. I think I understand why eBay does so well, and now that I think about it, they might have some new auctions headed their way. But after two years of my life, I still felt kind of cheated.

The same thing happened with a boyfriend in high school. After a year and a half, I had to retire all of the jewelry I had acquired into the safe. My mom suggested pawning it (it was 1997, pre-eBay), but I refused. I'm still very good friends with this particular ex, so now that I look back, I'm glad I kept it, because every time I pull it out of the safe, it floods me with good memories. But for a long time, I felt very cheated. And not just because he literally cheated on me and slept with another girl.

The same thing happened with a toxic friend I dumped a couple of years ago. She got my Rollerblades, I got some of the t-shirts and pajama pants I borrowed after many a night crashing at her house after too much drinking, we divvied up the friends (thankfully I got most), and went our separate ways. And yet still, I felt a little cheated.

My past lessons have taught me well, because now, at the dissolution of any relationship, I am sad for the loss, but always looking ahead. And if I may offer a few pointers to any of you out there, I'd offer this tried-and-true advice:

1. Go after the good stuff. Electronics, CDs, and eBay-able things are best. The division of property is a sad, but exciting time. This is definitely the time to channel Cuba Gooding Jr. and demand that someone show you the money. It's the least they can do for your suffering.

2. F*ck the trinkets. No one is going to want to pay $15.99 for some snotted on Pooh Bear stuffed animal wearing a "I love you Bear-y much" t-shirt that you got for Valentine's Day 2002. Burn it, or if you must, store it somewhere so that one day, you can pull it out and laugh about how ridiculous it was. Trust me, it will definitely amuse later.

3. Places. If you always went to certain places, just avoid the places for awhile. Don't go there on a date (especially not the first one!), don't show up with your friends, just avoid it at all costs. Find a new place. Preferably one with good-looking single people in it.

4. Friends. This one is perhaps the toughest to tackle. If you have a lot of mutual friends, try to keep the relationship good. Don't let the fact that you are no longer a part of this person's life decimate your friendships with shared friends. But don't spend all your time with mutual friends analyzing what happened, asking about the person consistently, or worse yet, talking shit about them. Obviously they are mutual friends for a reason, and you really don't want the other person to find out from your friends that you're that broken up about it. (And they always always always will find out - I promise this.)

5. Use the dissolution as an opportunity to do other things, or meet other people. No one knows better than I do that your best friends and lovers often come out of the woodwork after the shit blows up. I always say that the best thing to come out of the Midget Troll was the evolution of my relationship with his former best friend Chris. And it always will be.

But back to my most recent Toxic friend...who knows what will happen. It seems like a reconciliation is inevitable, even if I suspect that we will go through this cycle a million and one more times.

And if not, I'm still prepared. He can have at trivia and I'll just take my chances with the wildebeasts.

posted by KA @ 10:36 PM