Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Ring the Alarm! There's a Group of Guys Pissing on a Fire Hydrant

In the interest of keeping my introductions to topics shorter (since I received a reader complaint that my blog was good on content, but rather bad on brevity), here's one thing I've been thinking about quite a bit lately that eludes me to no end.

Why are women more territorial than men?

It came up in conversation with my friend CK today, and after half an hour of running around in circles discussing it, we unbuttoned our respective pants and let out big sighs of bewilderment.

(Related tangent: This conversation happened over instant messenger, no less - and I'm sure the IT people at our respective agencies are pulling their taffy over the kind of shit they read from me on a daily basis.)

Let's think about fire hydrants. A Fire Hydrant, as I like to call him/her, is a person who - for lack of a better term - is an object of wanton desire. It's the girl-next-door who your friend cheats on all the time, or the guy you wish you'd found first. And in a girl's world, once that bitch sniffs out the fire hydrant, it's a goner. But in a man's world, it turns into a complete pissing contest. You've got dogs lining up from all five boroughs just waiting to take their turn pissing on the fire hydrant.

Allow me to explain further. If a guy - any guy - has dated a girl within a particular group of friends, he's hers and hers alone. Chances are, no other girl within that group of friends would touch the guy with a twenty foot pole (ten seemed too short for this example) once his original relationship with the girl was over. That guy is in that girl's arsenal of men forever, and her friends - good friends - will likely rebuff any advances he could ever make on them.

A girl, however, seems to be fair game to a guy and any of his friends. I have witnessed plenty of situations where a guy has any sort of relationship with a girl, and after the relationship, his friends jump on her like Tom Cruise to an ottoman. It seemingly makes no matter to a guy's friend if she's bent over and twisted around and played Reverse Cowgirl with his best friend, because as long as she's interested, she's fair game.

Why is this, and what's the explanation behind it? I have witnessed so many guys - best friends, brothers, what have you - throwing their fellow men under the bus to try and win someone over. Are there really so few good girls out there? Are men more genetically predisposed or even culturally dispositioned to forgo loyalty in pursuit of happiness? Or are women just objects in these situations? Is it about stealing your buddy's happiness? Coveting thy neighbor's wife? Isn't that a violation of one of the Ten Commandments? And why the f*ck am I even referencing Commandments?

Both CK and I agreed that we have each been in a situation where, at the beginning of the night, it seems as though one guy will make a play. And then - unbeknownst to us, his friend, the Dark Horse, comes out of the woodwork and stages a hostile takeover. One moment you're hearing Buddy #1 whisper something a little naughty and right up your alley, and then the next thing you know, you're fending off Buddy #2 on the dance floor as he tries to simulate some sort of sex act on your behind to the tune of Big Pun's "Don't Want To Be A Playa". This kind of wack shit would never happen with two girls - boriqua or morena. Explanation, please?

My point is, special circumstances and exceptions aside, it seems to me as though men have less of an issue with trespassing on someone else's property as women do, plain and simple. I'm interested to hear anyone's thoughts on this. Are women really more territorial than men?

posted by KA @ 6:59 PM