Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Magic: The New Unit of Measurement

I had the craziest epiphany in the car today. For someone who thinks a lot, and possibly displays tendencies or at least has fielded many accusations in the name of overthinking (as I have), I don't have "epiphanies" too often. But as I often find life to do, the last few months of my life has somehow intertwined with the shit that goes on in my friends' lives, and out of nowhere this crazy theme emerges and it all makes sense.

It's hard to evaluate relationships when you're single, and I find it highly ironic that you're least enlightened about what you want in future relationships when you're not in one. Sadly, thinking about what you want is the only way you'll actually find yourself back in one, and since you have zero ideas, it's a sort of Catch-22 situation.

Related Tangent: I once had a very good friend in high school (R.I.P. Jordan) tell me that he was never said when he broke up with a girlfriend, because every wrong person he dated was one step closer to the right person. Now granted, Jordan had good sense in judging people and trusted that his choices in girls for relationships always evolved for the better from one to the next (which is not always the case), but at the time I found that to be the most succinct, optimistic, and correct way of looking at the situation that I felt like I'd been hit with a bowling ball when he said that. "Strike!"

At any rate, it's only really when I'm in a situation where I'm trying to figure out where the hell something is going when I'm enabled to draw some sort of conclusion about what it is I'm looking for and what's important to me.

And this time around, I discovered something huge. In all this time, and in all of these years, I've been using the wrong unit of measurement.

Figures, right?

I think a lot of people make the mistake of evaluating relationship potential solely on the person and/or their traits and qualities. You always hear a lot of bullshit about the "mental checklist", which for most people is pretty generic anyways - is he attractive, does he have a solid job, is he sociable, does he like animals and babies, does he groom himself, etc. Yet we fail to assess and give due diligence to perhaps the most major factor in all of this - treatment. After all, what good is the perfect guy if he treats you like dick? If you asked many people what they're looking for, you always get those answers first. And then come the afterthoughts - "Oh, and I want him to be really considerate." Considerate of what, though - his XBox 360, his mom, his boss, or you? (If you asked me, I'd say ideally all four, but with me as the priority. Oh, and please note that this obviously goes for females as well - we need to have giant breasts, be tolerant of pets, and sweet but totally nasty in the bedroom, but if we're flipping out like a basketcase-addled bitch is it really worth it to you?)

I think I've been so caught up in finding someone who met all of the basic qualities in my recipe for a solid guy that I've forgotten to throw in "dash of magic" in my considerations. Because without magic, you have a pretty bland recipe.

Maybe I've gotten a little too heady and abstract for you, but if you're still with me, listen up, and listen good - I once had a boyfriend was an absolute rock star with the magic, and although it didn't work out for a number of other reasons, I will always give him credit for that. It lasted for maybe a blink or two of time, but in those blinks I felt like the most loved human being on the planet. And that's an incredible feeling that everyone deserves to have.

I remember he came to my house one night for dinner. It was probably our second "date", if you could count my mom cooking us dinner as a date, but still. The fact that this poor guy was totally cool with being subjected to my parents' endless questioning gave him automatic credit in my book. I felt his eyes on me all throughout dinner, and at that moment in time, completely understood that whether or not it was going to last, this guy adored me. I mean, total lay-down-in-traffic-do-anything-to-make-you-laugh adored me. My mom even said as much to me the next day. I remember her saying, "You know, I'm not really worried about you when you're with X, because I can tell that he adores you by the way he looks at you, and I know that he'd never let anything happen to you while you were with him." That, my friends, is magic, and that is what we all need to be thinking about. And even my mom saw it. A+.

I have a few best friends who have ended relationships with people because they weren't being treated the way they wanted to be treated, and truthfully, it didn't really hit home until now. I was thinking about someone and where things were going, and I realized that I don't think I'm being adored enough. And I don't like it. And you know what - it's okay not to like that. It's okay for me to give maybe one more chance before walking away, because life's too short for me to feel like I'm not someone's muse.

Guys: there are a lot of good ones of you out there, but just because your mom says you're a gem doesn't mean you can get away with treating your girl like ass. If you like her, tell her. If you want to date her, call her up and ask her out. If you're not interested, make it clear. Be a man. Act with dignity. Don't be afraid to hear the word "no". Call when you say you will. Don't be a dick to her around your friends.

Ladies: demand excellence. Don't make excuses for the guy. If you feel like he's f*cked up in some sort of fight with you or on an isolated basis, compromise. But if he's consistently jerking you around, don't spend four years trying to figure it out and giving him second and third and fourth and seventeenth chances. Don't be a free cow. Other dairymen will want your milk, I promise. You just need to find the one that's the thirstiest (and hopefully for you, will pay the most).

It's very easy to get caught up in physical attraction or the idea of someone being there for you. It's also very easy to just truly like a personality and pretend that he treats you well when he doesn't. A sparkling personality does not compensate for being treated nicely. So make sure that anyone you're with - even if you have zero plans to spend the rest of your life with them - is someone who thinks that you are the moon and the stars and the North Pole and the sun, all at the same time. If there's anything I am learning, it's that it's okay to demand excellence out of someone. Anything less than that is garbage and not worth pursuing further. We all have plenty of room for platonic friends, and if they're not rolling out a red goddamn carpet for you when you walk into a room, this is the category you should put them into. No excuses, no exceptions.

And with that epiphany, my friends, I make the executive decision to keep grazing for right now until I feel that magic again, because this cow has quite a bit to offer. If you need me, I'll be looking for that dash of magic. But probably not at speed dating.

posted by KA @ 8:31 PM