Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Tales of A Hush-Hush Crush

Life is pretty solid these days. At 26, I feel that I'm in a really good place - probably the best place I've ever been in (and let's hope I don't jinx myself). I am a Master of something, which didn't really help my salary but still enables me to claim "Master". I am gainfully employed in a job that I happen to love. I have friends who love to lie to me about their whereabouts, only to surprise me on my birthday. I am a recently-minted homeowner...and yes, we are on track for February 9th, so keep your calendars clear for March.

But I did go out last night, and after about Drink #3, found myself admitting that although I'm 26, I wake up every morning and feel like I'm 13. And while all of the above is true, some things don't change and likely never will, and you know what? I'm okay with that.

One of those things is the Hush-Hush Crush. Remember in fifth or sixth grade, back when everyone was ugly as shit, and you just "picked" someone to like every week or so? Remember how, if you were among the better looking of the ugly people, you might even "go" with them, or if you were me, you might ask them to go with you and they might say "no". Sniffle sniffle. But it's basically like a secret, grade-school type of crush on someone, typically involving eventual-shredded notebook paper with your first name and his last name (guys, this may not apply here), except for that now we're older, and more f*cked up, and there's way more at stake, and at this point in our lives, we are simply not compatible with Billy AND Bobby AND Michael AND Mark, because our lives don't revolve around playing Red Rover at recess and eating orange slices after soccer practice. (Although if your job happens to involve either of these things, please email me immediately with the name of a contact in HR, because I am absolutely interested.)

But seriously, I recently realized - through a very long story and series of events of which I will spare you at this time - that I have a serious Hush-Hush Crush.

What is a Hush-Hush Crush, you may ask? It's pretty simple. It's basically the idea of having a huge crush on someone who, for whatever reason, is a totally inappropriate choice for affection and likely very wrong for you. Good examples of this might be inexplicably hot fantasies and/or delusions of relationship grandeur about your boss, or your boyfriend's friend, or pretty much anyone who is married, and not to you. Oh, and unless you live in the South, I'd guess that any level of "cousin" might also fall into this category. I think you get my point.

So due to the delicate nature of these feelings, you have to make like Denise Richards and go Undercover Brother so that no one ever finds out that you've been having sex dreams about your Dry Cleaner, or your married co-worker, or whoever the choice may be.

And obviously, a HHC is never ever to be acted upon, unless whatever reasons f*cked you from being with the person in the first place happen to disarm, in which case, make sexy time all you want and best of luck to you.

So yes, I have identified a Hush Hush Crush. Obviously, I choose not to disclose the identity of this person, because it's quite possible that they may stumble upon this post and do the math, and then I am royally screwed, and not in the good way where I can't take it anymore, if you know what I mean.

I think it's been brewing for quite awhile, but I was only able to identify it recently, and now, the more I think about it, the more I realize this crush is a lot more serious than I ever thought. I think about my Crush an awful f*cking lot and it really unnerves me. I have even had two dreams of a sexual nature involving this guy in the past two weeks. It's like I ordered one extra large dose of Guilt with a side of Subconscious.

The best part of this whole deal is that while I would suspect that the chances of anything ever happening are somewhat decent (my Crush is not married), the odds of it ever manifesting into something with longevity are about 3%. Seriously. And the consequences of ever getting close to this man - much less doing the Dirty Dirty - would be pretty serious for me. There's nothing illegal about it, nothing that would wreck a home, but it would certainly create a lot of issues that I could get into only if you have a lot of time and a leather couch, and I didn't have to go to my iHOP holiday breakfast for work in 10 minutes.

I have talked to this person for legitimate purposes numerous times, and he's contacted me a few times in return as well, but I am seriously contemplating inventing reasons to contact him, and you know what that is? That's an invitation. For trouble. And we're all aware that I seem to get into plenty of unsolicited messy situations, so I really can't see how creating the opportunity to make a mess is constructive in any way whatsoever.

It's a double-edged sword. One side finds me inexplicably drawn to this guy who I think is very, very, very bad for me, and possibly not even remotely interested. The other side is thinking that I should just enjoy what's going on in the love life right now and stop chasing (or pondering chasing, rather) some guy who is likely going to put me at the eye of some kind of storm. Is it better to give it a chance in the hopes that my 3% is going to pull through for me, or better to let it go? I'm not sure. But one thing's for sure, and that is that for right now, this crush is staying hush-hush.

posted by KA @ 7:48 AM