Birds, Bees, and Reverse Cowgirls
Every person worth their salt usually has at least one good sex story. If you're lucky, you have a few of them. It's always a guy that said something a little too nasty, or the girl that just laid there, or the person that makes strange noises or faces. And I think that most people would agree that girls think that guys get a little too aggressive, and that guys think that girls always expect too much cheesy bullshit. This is absolutely, completely, 100% true.The reason for this can be attributed to a simple theory: girls learn about sex by reading Cosmo, and guys learn about sex via porn. I really don't think there's any other explanation that fits. Most, if not all males I know, either used to watch or read porn, and developed their ideas of what great sex is like from watching Jenna Jameson do her job, no pun intended. Most women I know are always complaining about how hard it is to get their boyfriend into the "reverse Cowgirl", and how in last month's issue of Glamour, there is supposedly some "sensitive area" that will drive the guy crazy, or at least score you a Prada bag for your next birthday. This fundamental difference in socialization accounts for the entire disparity between men and women when it comes to sex, and why, when in the mood, guys just want their girlfriends to dress up like naughty schoolgirls, and girls just want a room to look like Bath & Body Works threw up in it, with satin sheets and Sade in the background. (I prefer The Body Shop "White Musk" and Chris Isaak, but whatever.)
So is it any big surprise that either side is completely confused when things don't go as planned? My suggestion for correcting this is pretty simple. I propose that we fire everyone at Cosmo immediately, and hire an all-male staff. (It'd be harder to get more women into porn, I think, so this is a better route.) Then, have the staff revamp the magazine and make suggestions about sexual conduct similar to what guys really want, convince the women to go for it, and then we'll all be on the same page. No more of these "Jungle Elephant on Wheels" diagrams, or "Make Him Want You More Now" articles (getting naked seems to work for most people I know, which renders that information pretty useless). And the costume and toy businesses would do pretty well as a result, I think, which would drive business, which would create more jobs. And more jobs leads to more stress, which (hopefully) leads to stress relief by having more sex, which begins the cycle all over again. How's that for economic theory?
If you have any input on this topic, or any further suggestions, or hell, any funny sex stories that you are comfortable sharing (with the exception of bestiality stories, no one gives a shit about Bessie), feel free to do so below. This blog no longer accepts Anonymous comments, so prepare to be identified.
posted by KA @ 10:34 PM
4 Comments:
I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'd like to comment on bessie. We men in the midwest, specefically Ohio, more specifically Akron, and most specifically the valley or downtown are surrounded by big old bessies.
Why is it that if a girl hasn't thrown in the towel physically at 25 she is some catch? You big city mice probably don't have this problem, but we simple folk in Ohio do.
My experience is that ladies (I don't know about dudes) who don't take care of themselves do a bad job of taking care of me. Also, they are heavy.
Kyle, excellent comments. I'm so glad you provided a nice little segue to what I have been meaning to post on here for a long time - on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the most), how important are looks? Do looks compensate for poor personality? Does a great personality compensate for a fat cow? If you couldn't have a little of both, which would you choose?
Your insight, and anyone else's, would be much appreciated. I have been "fighting" with my friend about looks vs. personality lately, with him arguing that looks fade, and my arguing that looks, faded or not, play a huge role in attraction, and you can't be with someone you're not attracted to.
Sammartano, you're killing me with the comments. Hysterical.
I'd post more, but unfortunately I'm at work, so I'll hold my tongue until a later time.
Money does win a lot of the time, especially in a big city. Personally, I'm more of a looks person. I am the dumb girl that will pick a hot guy over money, given the choice.
Z, judging by your story, you must be really popular with the ladies.
Sammartano, those stories were great, but I may have you beat. Guy I was dating in college got really drunk one night (I was sober, had to take my grad school entrance exam the next day). We come back to my house, one thing leads to the next, and he tells me to hold that thought, and he goes to the bathroom. Five minutes later, he emerges, refuses to proceed. I am confused, but we go to sleep.
Next day, after I dropped him off and got home from the exam, my roommate is in the living room. She asks me to sit down, as she has to tell me something. She then explains that while she was cleaning the bathroom that morning (best roommate ever - she cleaned and did our laundry when she was hung over because it made her feel productive), she found one of our hand towels rolled into a ball and stuffed - yes, stuffed - behind the toilet. She opens it up, and there they are, little soldiers. Why one would bother to go to the bathroom and make this all happen, I have no clue. Needless to say, all of our friends found out about it. He is now known as the guy who shot it in the towel. I still see him now and then, and cannot keep a straight face.
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