Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Home Is Where the Lard Is

So I've been back in my hometown for a long weekend since Friday night. Since I haven't had a day off in...oh, decades (at least that's what it feels like), I took Monday off and am flying back tomorrow night. This is the weekend of our annual Dad/Kid Bonding Weekend. With my mom and sister out of town, every year, my dad and I spend a weekend in the bitter Ohio winter, cementing our parent-child bond. And by bonding, I mean sharing in the only three likes that we have in common - watching movies in our basement, eating chocolate, and discussing how much my mom would yell at us if she busted us watching so many movies and eating so much chocolate.

Well, this year it has taken on a bit of a twist. My dad is on some altered version of Atkins, so eating slabs upon slabs of meat (preferably raw), has taken the place of eating balanced meals. The more meat, the better. I am pretty sure that if a deer moseyed into our house from the outdoors right now, my dad would slaughter it and eat it, so long as the deer didn't have a roll for dinner, because carbs are bad. So so bad. (Although how he is allowed to eat chocolate on this diet, I'm not sure - he keeps avoiding the answer to this question.)

Anyway, we went out for lunch today, just me and my dad. And because your average restaurant is not accustomed to serving full animal flanks on a platter, we had to go to a "special" restaurant - a restaurant where we could get what we paid for, if we got slabs upon slabs of meat and meat only - The Golden Corral. Anyone know this place? It is otherwise known as Ponderosa's poverty-stricken cousin. Mounds and mounds of lard on hot plates that seemingly stretch for miles. A Mexican nacho and build-your-own taco bar. Fried chicken. Collard greens. Three different kinds of gravy. Banana Cream pudding. I'm also pretty sure I spotted marshmallow-and-Jello-salad, but this was before I was almost elbowed in the eye on the way to the brownie section by a 300 lb. woman. There is so much f*cking food at this place that even Rush Limbaugh could go home satiated. Why haven't any of the geniuses that are suing Kraft and McDonald's thought to sue the Golden Corral? I'm telling you, this is a civil litigation victory waiting to happen.

Initially opposed to the idea, I thought about supportive and great a dad he is, and decided that if he was asking for one cafeteria-style meal in the name of his happiness, it was worth the sacrifice. So off we went, even though I felt sick when our server, appropriately named Flo, handed us two trays, soft drinks, and a bucket of rolls - before we even sat down. We ended up "enjoying" a hearty lunch of soup and salad (me), and a couple of pieces of meatloaf, a chicken breast, and a half slab of ribs (Dad).

I kept thinking that if someone even suggested going to this place for a date, that...well, I really would never date anyone that ever thought to suggest this. I was simply making a small sacrifice in order to help my Dad live a healthier life. By eating slabs of meat. Oh Christ, I'm starting to feel nauseous again.

posted by KA @ 5:03 PM