Anna Nicole's Got Nothing on Me
Sorry for my absence. I have received some complaints via email, and I humbly apologize for my inconsistent posting the past few weeks. I have been incredibly busy...but not too busy to eat.You see, most girls I know have three categories of clothing in their closet: "Mixed Greens", "Chicken Sandwich", and my personal favorite, "Ponderosa All-You-Can-Eat Buffet". Wearing clothes in each category depends on weight fluctuation, typically classified by a weight gain in the depths of winter, and a weight loss in the summer. Each category has its own characteristic clothing - "Mixed Greens" is halter and sleeveless clothing, "Chicken Sandwich" is normal clothing, longer sleeves, nothing too tight, and "Ponderosa" is usually sweatpants and any item with drawstrings.
That said, my size is like clockwork. No matter what I eat, or how hard I try, I always start to resemble a marshmallow sometime around March. I am nowhere near my "Mixed Greens" size of last fall, when Jerry and I were done and I refused to eat anything but Twix bars for three weeks because I was so pissed. Granted, I have never been supermodel size, but there have been days...well, thinner days. (That sounds like the beginning of a bad country song.) And I'm sad. I mourn my thinner self, because...
I think that as of yesterday, I have swiftly (or not so swiftly, if you're reading into this literally) moved out of "Chicken Sandwich" and am now falling almost squarely into the "Ponderosa" category. This might have something to do with the fact that it is SNOWSTORMING outside in mid-March. And the fact that I insist on eating dessert after every meal. I cannot get enough of dessert. I must have something sweet to eat after a meal or else I will start knawing on desks, tables, lamps, and anything else that stands in the way between myself and a soft, chewy nougat enrobed in chocolate. It's phases like these that tempt me to consider relocating to Hershey, PA.
The marshmalloweyness may also be due to the fact that I have resumed my weird habit of eating in the middle of the night and not knowing it. I have been plagued by this sleepeating illness since mid-2002. It all began one morning when I woke up and saw Oreo crumbs and an empty glass of milk beside my bed. Important to note that I was sleeping by myself at the time, as my boyfriend was in Cincinnati and rarely here anyway. At first, I was convinced that someone had broken into my apartment and eaten something, or that my roommate at the time was wasted and didn't remember where her room was, but not so.
Over the course of the next three months, I would wake up truly surprised at what would sit on my nightstand - one night it was leftover spaghetti, another night it was an empty Yoo Hoo bottle, and the real kicker came the day that I ruined a whole jar of pickles by leaving a jar out after a midnight sleepeating session. I almost cried - pickles are one of my favorite foods.
So when it started up again a few weeks ago, I started buying lowfat and diet food specifically for this purpose, so that if I were to sleepeat, at least I would be eating trans-fatty free chips instead of the usual lard-ass Lays. I really need to see someone about this, don't I.
Anyway, I figure this will all come off when the weather starts to get warmer and I start taking walks longer than from my couch to the refrigerator. I have also been considering TrimSpa, because really, what would be better than rolling around on a beach with some guy asking a camera if they like my body and if they want a Viper? Anna Nicole ain't got shit on me.
posted by KA @ 4:57 PM
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