Where Goes the Flip-and-F*ck?
The futon (similarly pictured here) has got to go.
One of the most stressful things about moving is figuring out what to do with all of my furniture. I've had the same post-collegiate furniture for almost three years, and I'm moving across the country in a couple of weeks, so I've made the mature decision to sell it off and hope that I can scape enough money together for a velour La-Z-Boy once I get to the GA. But the one item I'm having a hard time parting with is my futon, aka the Flip-and-F*ck. Shit, that thing holds a lot of memories. I consider it to be a formative part of my experience here in Chicago.
You see, many a visitor and friend (myself included) has gotten laid on the Flip. And by "many", I mean everyone, really. That thing has gotten so much action in three years, it makes the your average Texas whorehouse look like a slumber party. I'm convinced, in fact, that despite the two year gap between visit and gestation, that my friend Sarah's baby-to-be was conceived on the Flip when she and her husband stayed here around Summer 2003. So understandably, I am sad to see an item go that has brought so much happiness and luck to those who have laid upon its mealy mattress foam, decorated with multicolored throw pillows and a denim cover.
Now when I put an ad in the paper, or try to sell it off to some unsuspecting freshman who's trying to decorate his first summer-session apartment with lava lamps, decorative bongs, and a futon, I am going to have to make sure that I ask all the right questions so it ends up in the rightful and skilled hands of a new owner.
Here are my questions so far:
1. Are you sexually active?
2. Do you enjoy hooking up in your living room?
3. Do you eat Cheetos? (This one is strictly out of personal curiosity.)
4. If Train A is headed for Beantown at 45 mph from a west location, and Train B is headed for Beantown from a northeast location at 87 mph, if your friend is really drunk and gets locked out and wants to have a threesome on this futon, will you let him/her?
Hopefully my grueling interview process will lead me to the right candidate.
posted by KA @ 2:36 PM
2 Comments:
For Sale: Lucky Sex Futon.
Converts easily from a sofa ("Mom, have a seat on the sofa, and I'll get us some coffee") to a shagadelic flat surface for good lovin' ("Baby, flip out that sofa-thang while I get the oranges and Hershey syrup")
Guaranteed results. Certificate of authenticity. Only US$13,000.
I love it, that's perfect! Can I keep you on retainer for other ads?
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