Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Our Health Care System is F*cked, but I Am Nice And Healthy

Our health care industry is FUBAR. Honestly. With all of the claims and forms and receipts and referrals and forms and de-forms and disclaims, it's a miracle if you can get out of the doctor's office before you manage to damage another body part.

So a few weeks ago, shortly before my new job, I decided to go on a medical spree and hit up every doctor in town. And no, it wasn't because I was looking for a cheap thrill. I just wanted to make sure my stuff was okay. Nothing wrong with that.

So I go to the very nice, very compassionate, very loving OB/GYN, who begins our friendly little visit with an anemia blood test and a pregnancy test. Awesome. What better way to help me into the stirrups than to familiarize me with the two things I hate the most - bodily fluids and pain. Hop into my nightmare, everyone, the water is warm!

I will spare you the details, but I will mention this - before I walked in the door, they made me fill out a little card with my name and address. The card (which, if I recall correctly, does not even fold over) features a little unoriginal note that says,

"Dear _____ (you fill in your own name, how ghetto), thanks for visiting our offices. Your:

• pap smear ____
• cervix test ____
• STD test _____
• pregnancy test ____
• uterine cancer test _____
• insert anything more invasive of privacy that you can think of to put on a card that will be mailed to you _____

has come back _______. Thanks for visiting our offices!"

Can you imagine a more mortifying system? I mean, I can't even pretend to be so clever.

To add insult to injury (sorry, but that is definitely an appropriate phrase given our little discussion of the medical industry), I received this little card in the mail, and next to the check marked boxes that applied were....

hand-drawn smiley faces.

What the hell has our world come to? Smiley faces on test results? "Congratulations, Ms. KA! Your cervix is happy!"

This makes me wonder...what if my results weren't normal? Would they mail the card? Would they put a little sad face next to "pap smear"? Do they have a "syphilis stamp"? I can just imagine what goes on in the administrative offices of these doctor's offices:

"Marge, do you have a minute?"

"Sure Dot, what do you need?"

"Well, poor Ms. Smith has gonorrhea and I seem to have misplaced the stamp..."

Smiley faces. A smiley face. A hand-drawn "two-dots-and-a-juxtaposed-parenthesis" smiley face.

Woo hoo!

Immediately I was transported back to fourth grade. Seeing that smiley face made me so happy for so many reasons. The first, obviously, that I am cancer-free. Not that I'm making light of this in any way whatsoever because if you've ever had a scare as I have, you know that shit ain't comical. Secondly, I was happy because this was the first test I've passed since I finished school two years ago. Seeing that positive reinforcement made me second-guess whether I should go back for a law degree or something. I miss tests.

Most importantly though, the smiley face told the U.S. Postal Service that I am clean. Which is always good for them to know they're delivering to a clean box.

posted by KA @ 10:32 PM