Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Back on the Market Again, and May I Add That Drinking By Onesself Is Highly Underrated

I took a scalding hot shower tonight. I mean, hot and steamy. I cranked up the heat on the water and let it hit me hard. And it felt nice.

Now I'm on glass of wine #2. I've just finished writing a profile on Match.com, and I'm fairly certain I'll regret having joined and wasted $50 tomorrow morning, but this pinot kicked in rather quickly and I am feeling bold and beautiful and confident, even in my "I Love Atlanta" t-shirt and my red boxer shorts with the little fruits on them.

Yesterday, I hit a new low. I was dumped - without ever being aware that I was in a relationship in the first place.

Without getting into too much detail, I was seeing someone very, very casually over the last few weeks. I thought things were going well until he called me yesterday and made the impromptu announcement that he was at the gate of my apartment complex and wanted to come over to talk to me in person about some things. I was a little taken aback, but I let him in anyway. After all, my hair was washed and flat-ironed, I smelled great, and I was wearing a t-shirt and a little tennis skirt. So if he was coming over to bear some bad news, at least I could add to the guilt factor by looking cute.

After a ten-minute long speech involving the terms "wanting to see where we stood" and "not sure if ready for a relationship", it seemed my fate was sealed. The only problem was, I wasn't exactly aware that we were together.

Sure we'd been out. We'd met each other's friends, drank, laughed, and had some incredibly wild and passionate makeout sessions that were satisfying and likely to give me a wild sense of giddiness for the days that followed. But I was having fun. I'd given a little consideration to where things were going, but apparently not as much as he had.

He "just got out of a relationship". He "didn't know if he could be in yet another one" and thought we might just be "better off as friends for the time being", despite "really, really liking me".

Blah.

My first instinct was shock. I mean, had I known this was coming I would have at least put some Visine in my eyes and pretended to fake some emotion. For my part, I hadn't thought too much about where it was going and was just happy and excited that we liked one another. Did I think he was my boyfriend? Did I consider us to be dating? The answer to both is a solid "No". So why was he on my balcony giving me the speech before we'd even had our first formal date?

When he asked what I thought, I told him that I was cool with it, and that I respected any decision he made. He almost fell right through the floor. When he asked me if I'd thought about it, I answered (semi) honestly and said, "Well, truthfully, no. I like you, but it's not like we've had a real date. I was having fun and going with it. I guess I hadn't really thought about it that much." I suddenly felt him shrink. It's as if his 5'10" stature went into that "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" machine and he came out no bigger than your average flaccid penis. He felt foolish, and small, and overanalytical, and he was absolutely justified. Who the f*ck is this guy?! Admittedly, I felt good making him feel like a shit. After all, who is he to dump me in this nonexistent relationship? Had I known something was going on, I'd have at least referred to him as "my boyfriend" once or twice and f*cked the daylights out of the guy (neither of which, I might add, had happened).

Once he was done, you could tell he felt stupid. There was a lot of shifting weight and refusal to make eye contact. He started backtracking and saying he wasn't sure of what he wanted, and all I really wanted to do, truthfully, was pin him down and ask him whose bitch he was.

But then, in the weirdest twist of fate, he stayed. He stayed at my house and we talked. Honestly. For two hours. About everything. I gave him the opportunity to leave multiple times, but he stayed and told me about his relationship history and what he wanted and where he stood and where he came from. And, in the interest of fairness, I told him a few selective stories (leaving most of my baggage out, since I didn't want to scare him with all of the anecdotes - at least not all upfront), and we talked. And it was nice. And frankly, should have happened a long time ago, before any of this shit came between us. I was confused, and sad, and just generally nauseous, because I knew that I liked the man that was eventually going to walk out of my door much more than the man that walked in.

At the end of the conversation, he told me that he didn't really know what his deal was anymore. And it seemed like he had a change of heart. But the damage was kind of done in my mind and I didn't know how to react.

And then...because this story is not confusing enough -- he asked me to go to a concert with him this week. As a date? As a friend? As an escort? I was confused. I mean, after all, the guy came over to break up with me and then asked me out. Are we in another nonexistent relationship? Because I'm hoping that I can have sex in this one if that's the case.

We left things kind of open and I've spent the last two days rearranging everything in my head like a puzzle piece. Except for it's looking a lot like a Rubik's Cube, and much like when I was little and used to throw tantrums over the fact that my sister could solve it and I couldn't, I was baffled. I guess we'll have to wait and see. I'm not sure why I joined Match, except that I've heard good things from friends, have no idea where the "thing" with this guy is going, and am tired of meeting losers in bars. At the very least I'll get emails from other losers which will create a false sense of confidence and make me feel like I'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket with this guy.

Random thoughts:

• I wish, by the way, that I was still in college right now. I am out of decent food except for ramen and miss creating my own stir-fry at the Wok and Roll station at Denison Hall. I'm almost tempted to drive to Publix but I'm at the point where I haven't lost motor skills, yet am completely incapable of passing a breathalizer, so it's probably just best if I rummage through the pantry and eat some animal crackers.
• I know - I'll eat some potato pierogies. I'm not sure how long they've been in my freezer but if I put enough salt on them it's bound to taste good.
• Good thing I happen to have Marlboro Lights laying around. I'm going to smoke them all and hate myself tomorrow.
• Why is it that when upset, women always turn to food and booze and smokes? I wish I could do something constructive, like finish a crossword puzzle or run 5 miles.
• My cat has really been great throughout this fake breakup. He has head-butted me and jumped into my arms, as if he senses that I'm confused and really irritated.
• This would be a very good time, by the way, to call up an ex and tell him how stupid he is for letting go of the best damn thing he ever had. Unfortunately, I think I did that a few weeks ago so I should probably wait awhile before attempting that classy move yet again.
• I hear noises in my chimney. I don't know if it's raining or I'm just hearing things, but either way, this wine tastes f*cking awesome.
• It has seriously rained in Atlanta every day for the last three weeks. I kind of want to stop fighting it and embrace it, but then I'm pretty sure my flat, straight, shiny hair will get ruined and really, one has to maintain some common sense when it comes to these things.

But in the meantime, drinking by myself is delicious. I can barely feel my fingers typing anymore. Anyone who wants to come on over and help me finish this bottle tonight is more than welcome, open invitation. Just get here soon, because, like my sanity, it's getting polished off rather quickly. If anyone has some thoughts on what this douchebag is thinking, feel free to let me know. I know y'all don't comment but I see that you're reading. And your thoughts are, contrary to my laissez-faire attitude, important. So please - comment on. Just don't break up with me in the comment section. Because then I will kick your ass.

posted by KA @ 10:15 PM