Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Will Suppositories Remedy Emotional Constipation?

I am troubled, friends.

Lately, I've been on an absolute roll, a definite high. Sometime around Memorial Day my mojo kicked back in and I have been out entirely more often than I should be, drinking entirely more than is necessary, and having more fun that I've thought possible.

But I have fallen into some trouble.

Flip relationships and "fellationships" aside, I have now been single for almost two years. And it's great. Am I looking up at the sky at night (or doing something equally ridiculous) and wishing I was standing next to a sexy man who works me good? Not really. Am I started to feel the dull ache of wanting someone to roll over next to in bed in the morning? Not really. Am I still getting inexplicably depressed and weirded out at weddings? Well, yes, but some things will never change.

I am happy. I have my side(s) of the bed. I go out and do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want, and I don't have to answer to nobody. (And for the record, I am fully aware that my last sentence was grammatically incorrect, but it seemed context-appropriate so I'm going to roll with it.) I have a great job that I still love, friends who are trustworthy and entertaining at just about any hour of the day, a sweet little muffin-faced kitty, and the funnest big sister who I have the luxury of leaning on whenever I need to. I have a nicely-sized 1 bedroom apartment and a new car. I have wireless internet and a DVR that is filled with such emasculating fare as "Gilmore Girls" repeats on ABC Family and "The Hills". And most importantly, I have great parents who live just far enough away and per my last doctor's visit, I'm nice and healthy. I have settled into my little routine, and I am comfortable.

Or not.

I've been in a few awkward romantic situations recently. Situations that are or could be on the verge of manifesting into something larger. And while I've always prided myself on being openhearted and giving myself to a fault despite having a past riddled with shitbags, I guess things have changed.

I am emotionally constipated.

Some of my friends have been there. Most of the guys I've been involved with have been there. And yet even if you're standing next to the person, or face-to-face with them, unless you've been there yourself, it's incredibly difficult to identify with.

But as evidenced by some undisclosed situations in recent weeks, I've realized there is nothing worse that standing nose to nose with someone else and being mobilized with a state of emotional paralysis. There is nothing worse than walking away and wishing you had said something differently, more meaningfully, or less apathetic. And yet there's really nothing worse than running in the opposite direction of a situation that's better managed head-on - all because you are so terrified of rejection and consequences that you choose your pride over your heart.

I always thought people who kept a guard up were so smart to do it, but I never understood why they couldn't just take it down when they wanted to. To me it was like a little picket fence that you could construct and destruct at will. If you want to tell someone you like them, you just f*cking tell them. If you want to show someone you like them, you just f*cking kiss them. I mean, how hard is that?

Well, I've wanted to tell and I've wanted to show, and I am 0 for 2 at both in recent weeks. I'm pretty disappointed with my actions. One has to wonder where I started really thinking with my head where matters of the heart were concerned, and why, when face-to-face and given the perfect opportunity to throw it out there, I choke harder than the US did in the World Cup last week.

Maybe when you "grow up" you just become less immune to consequences. Maybe you think and you analyze, and if you're me you then overthink and overanalyze, and your internal gauge of whether it's worth the risk dissipates rather quickly. You talk yourself in circles so much that you end up talking yourself out of the entire hemisphere. I wonder why it's so hard for me and what it is exactly that I'm so terrified of, but on the flip side, I am comfortable and happy and scared to shake that. I've worked really hard to be where I am and to risk having someone come in and topple my house of cards seems kind of gallant and ridiculous.

I am emotionally constipated, and I need to fix this.

I will take any and all suggestions, short of taking some sort of nude pottery sculpture class or listening to Ani DiFranco over and over again. Any other suggestions on how to grow a pair and emote are appreciated though.

posted by KA @ 12:49 AM