Confessions of A Naughty Girl

How To Pick Up Boys, My Way

In light of my recent decision to make a concerted effort to meet fresh meat, I read an article online called, "9 Opening Lines As Smooth As Jazz" . I saw a link to it via Hotmail, and said to myself, "Self, you could benefit from being smoother, like jazz." Well, let me spare you the migraine and give you a brief synopsis of the 9 tips these losers gave me:

1. Stroke the male ego.
Well, they got the verb right on this one, but like men need more ego stroking. At least the cocky assholes I know don't.

2. Talk sports.
Okay, this one is worth a shot. (Or a touchdown for hockey, or a goal for football, or whatever.) I'm sure this guys would appreciate this one, but important to note that this would not work particularly well in reverse - I'm not sure how I'd react to a guy whose opening line to me was, "So, have you been to Nordstrom's lately? They have a f*cking awesome sale on Uggs!"

3. Yawn.
When first reading this, my eyes were really tired and I thought it said "yarn". But then, upon discovering that it recommended that you actually yawn to get attention -- my subsequent thought was that even "yarn" would probably be a better topic of suggestion. Anyone who yawns indicates to me that they haven't had enough to drink.

4. Giggle
The whole little blurb after this tip was about online dating, which made me wonder what particular brand of crack these so-called authors were smoking, because "lol" and "lmao" doesn't count as giggling. And if, while "really" dating in person, you were to giggle, make sure you're not crossing the line into cackle, which this tends to evolve into if you are either a major giggler or a drunk.

5. Monkey Wrench
Apparently, in this article, "monkey wrench" is code for "act dumb and ask a guy for help, like in a hardware store". Sadly, I have tried this before, except for that I was in a restaurant and asked a smokin' hot fellow male patron where the (ladies) bathroom was. Eek. Make sure you're not really stupid like I am if you're going to use this tip - it will probably get you into trouble.

6. Tongue
Up the sexy factor. In other words, act like a slut. Shouldn't this happen after you hooked him? Luda says he wants "a lady in the street but a freak in the bed". I'm with Luda on this one.

7. Simple
Ask him out, straight up. Excellent choice if you're forward, but I think that if the man's worth his salt, a woman shouldn't have to do any asking.

8. Groove
Use common interests to your advantage. Although I'd recommend avoiding the obvious, like being out at a bar and talking about how great it is that you both like drinking and hooking up.

9. Results
Basically, this tip tells you to throw your hands up and admit you like the guy and want to go out. Not my style, and man, would the divorced ladies who wrote that "Rules" book be pissed if they saw that. Not that anyone should listen to them anyway.

Do you want to know what my favorite approach is? Be a bitch. Yes, a straight up, ballsy bitch. This has worked for me so many times it rivals the number of pairs of black boots I own. At my birthday party a couple of weeks ago, I told some guy that I liked him. When his face lit up, I told him not to take it too much to heart because I had low standards. He followed me around the rest of the night.

Case in point #2: Last weekend, I bumped into my Mobster boyfriend and said, "Excuse you."
He said, "Excuse me, it's my birthday; I can do whatever I want."
I replied, "Not around me, you can't."
Next thing you know...ahem.

But hey, different strokes for different folks. I'm just here to feed the masses.

posted by KA @ 4:41 PM