Confessions of A Naughty Girl

Praise the Lord

Oh yes, time again for a critical look at some of our favorite sites out there on the World Wide Web - the dirty ones. I know it's been about three months coming (ew, no pun intended), but after the wild success of the first one a few months ago, I thought that with blog sweeps coming up, it's high time I started driving traffic to this site.

Being Sunday and all, I only found it appropriate to mix a healthy dose of spirituality in with my porn this time. After a quick Google search, I found the perfect blend of religious mockery and big body parts in a site called Jesus Loves Porn. Immediately upon finding this site, the title alone began a fascinating inner monologue in my head as to whether these people really believe Jesus loves porn, or whether they are mocking the religion, like that brief, lame period of time where every hot little starlet was wearing oversized sunglasses and "Jesus is my homeboy" t-shirts. Considering this site caused so much cerebral confusion before I even glanced, I'd have to take a point away automatically. I'm here to see naked people, bitch, not ponder whether the Lord would approve of this. Jesus.

Anyway, on with the evaluation:

Variety: I suppose it would depend on how we're classifying it. In terms of multimedia and interaction, there's very little. There are some links to web cams, but the overwhelming majority of links are to graphic files. So if you're okay with still images, go for it. The variety does kick in quite well in terms of pictures. There are lots and lots of pictures, with very helpful titles and brief descriptions, so as to allow you to narrow things down rather quickly. Among the descriptive gems: "Nasty tranny match c*ck with banana and eat him" (?), "Sexy ebony fattie getting nasty and stripping at her home", and my personal verbage favorite, "Blondes ass gets destroyed by very strong dick". All I could do when I read that last one was imagine some poor, minimum-wage copywriter who couldn't hack it at a larger agency slaving away in his cubicle at the Jesus Loves Porn headquarters in Panama City, Florida, trying to figure out how to be more creative with the thumbnail titles. "Now let's see...clearly there is some intense action done to the ass...so a good verb would be...hmm....'violated'? No, too overused. 'Annihilated'? No, too intense. 'Destroyed'? Ahh yes, 'destroyed'! Genius." That said, the guy's skills in word choice seem to be counterbalanced by his lack of appropriate possessive comma usage, but the guy looks at porn all day, so I won't hold it against him. I'm sure he's a little frazzled.

Street Cred: I'd have to give this site a 6/10 on Street Cred for it's title alone, really. I mean, making a play on words from a popular phrase...that's pretty hip. I guess the only thing hipper, or more controversial, is if the page were titled, "Lohan's Twins Are Real." Also, another major component of street cred is popups, and this site has NONE. No joke. No popups. No broken links. They even make a point to tell you that on the homepage. They promise you that. Gotta love a site with pornographic integrity.

Mojo: It's good stuff, I must say. The site is really good at drawing you in slowly, but yet it gives you the option to get to the real hard-core stuff rather quickly, if you'd like. It's blunt, but not intimidating. Tasteful, but not vanilla. Whipped cream, but not marshamallow fluff. And shit, why am I suddenly craving a hot fudge sundae....

Overall Satisfaction: I really like this web site. I don't know why, I guess I took a liking to it from the minute I saw the title. I was curious. I wanted my expectations to be fulfilled. And they were. So now I'm spent. Praise the Lord. It's a good thing I don't believe in hell, because I'd be going for sure after this post.

Grade: A

posted by KA @ 11:32 AM