Confessions of A Naughty Girl

The Wedding of the Century

Beth and I have some weird f*cking conversations. And go figure, after we discussed my very random experience at the gym this evening (post to come sometime tomorrow), the topic of weddings came up. I'm not sure how, but it did. Maybe it's because everyone and their Mom in Georgia is married. I don't know if it's a Southern thing, or I'm just immature, oblivious, and/or shocked at the idea that people my age are getting married, but I've noticed that if you tell anyone in this state that you're single and have no plans to marry just yet, they look at you like you have three heads.

So anyways, I told Beth that while I'm not sure of the groom (I have some ideas, but no one is locked into the deal just yet), and while I'm not sure of when, where, expenses, or any other of the circumstances surrounding my impending nuptials, I am sure that it will be the f*cking greatest wedding ever, for the reasons listed below.

I am a member of the tribe, as most know, so regardless of whether or not the groom shares my faith, I hope that certain customs will be incorporated into the ceremony (namely the breaking of the glass, which will be held among chants of "Break the glass, bitch!"). But seriously, I like the breaking of the glass, and I really like the whole lifting of the chair with the hanky thing (did I really just say "hanky"? Two points for me!), so those will definitely be a part of the ceremony.

The dress code will definitely be black tie. Not because everyone will look nice so much as I like being a thorn in people's sides, and so black tie it is. Bridesmaids will be allowed to wear their most hideous former bridesmaid dresses, so that they can get a good two wears out of the ridiculous amount of money they spent the first time around. Bonus points for anyone who shows up in a bow tie. They will be promptly thrown out, but still granted points for being ridiculous. Maybe I'll give them a piece of the dirt cake, which will serve as the wedding cake, with crumbled Oreos, whipped cream, and chocolate worms. Because dirt cake is the best, and I will settle for no less.

There will definitely be a DJ. Big bands are for old folks, and with the exception of grandparents, no un-hip old people will be invited. The DJ will give out fun prizes, like glow sticks and cassette singles from my heyday, the early 90s. Cassette single titles will include, "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men, "Freak Me" by Silk, "Boom! Shake the Room" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, and "Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors. Limbo stick and hula hoops will be provided.

Refreshments will be open bar. Just alcohol. You don't want to drink? Go to a Mormon wedding. Save the coveted invite for someone else's liver to enjoy. Food will include quesadillas (pronounced "que-sa-dillllllas, per Napoleon Dynamite's grandma), chicken tenders, stuffed mushrooms, and a pickle tray - some of my favorite foods.

Here's the best part: the first wedding dance will be "Get Low" by Lil' Jon. Yes, I will hike up my train and go to town on the new groom. Best to break him in with my sweet moves, and give him a preview of all the future fun. And we will yank the microphone away from the DJ and make everyone chime in at the "'til the sweat drops down my balls" part. Because everyone should say that line, every single time it is sung. It's a great line. It's so great that it almost makes me want to have some balls of my own, despite being so bad with them (well, the sports kind, at least).

And when they hoist the groom and I onto some chairs, it will be done to "Raise Up" by Petey Pablo. We will change all the words to whatever location I get married in, i.e. "Atlanta, Georgia, come on and raise up, take your shirt off, and twist it around your head like a helicopter." And with this, all men wearing tuxedos will be required to remove their cumberbunds and swing them over their heads like a helicopter. Not only because it's funny, but because we'll be hot from all that dancing to Lil' Jon and surely, a nice breeze will keep us refreshed and energized.

At the end of the night (morning), everyone will get boxer shorts with the words "I danced my ass off at KA and _______'s wedding" written on the butt. And complimentary McDonald's hash browns, OJ, and sausage, egg, and cheese McGriddles will be served.

Sign yourselves up for the wedding of the century in the comments below. Tickets are in pre-sale now, and I'll be personally reviewing all applications until I actually do meet someone and think about getting married. Which should give you a good four to five years to think up a good mission statement.

posted by KA @ 10:50 PM