Can You Stay Friends With An Ex?
Last week, I was on the phone with a fellow blog friend, who warned me that eventually I will run dry of subjects to discuss. Obviously this friend doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does, because I came back, refreshed and with a million questions to throw out there.While in New York, I stayed with an ex, a good friend who I still talk to all the time. And I (mistakenly) assumed that I could stay with him and it wouldn't get weird, because after a long ass time of not dating, how weird could it get, right? We've been friends for longer than we were together.
As always, I was proven wrong. It got very weird. Not a "never want to see you again" weird, but more of a "we are crossing some lines here, so where do we stand because it's weird" kind of weird. And now, I have talked to him twice today already, and I am really wondering what the hell is going on here. Anyway, this leads me to my next question - can you really stay just friends with an ex?
I used to be with Jerry Maguire, whose policy is that when it's over, it's over. No phone calls, no emails, limited contact - it's pointless to try to be friends because you can't regress a relationship to a friendship. Ever-optimistic about the issue, I used to disagree. (And I still wish that Jerry and I were friends, the kind of friends who talk on the phone and have a lot of sex, but aren't necessarily dating. Is that so wrong?) I am still in varying degrees of contact with some people from the past, and no problems. But I do believe the line is crossed when staying with the person and spending copious amounts of time with them. It will probably just suck you back into that shitty vortex of a relationship that you were in before. And unless something major changes on either side, you two will continue to stumble into that same construction cone of an issue that f*cked things up in the first place.
So if you argue that you can stay friends with someone, how far is too far? What's the magic line you can't cross? Can you still talk to them? Hang out with them? Go out with them? Take them into the bedroom and play spanky games, or whatever brand of kink you're into? Is there some sort of grace period you have to pass before you can hang out with them? Or should it be no contact whatsoever, save for a pair of "panties" or boxers you never had the heart to throw out?
My hypothesis on this one will be that most girls will argue you can stay friends, and most guys will argue that you can't. Or maybe this will come down to a divisive "liberals are hotter/conservatives are hotter" showdown? Either way, this should be addressed.
posted by KA @ 8:48 PM
6 Comments:
It depends. For example, is the guy a horny bastard who wants free sex without having to deal with her when she's upset that her cubicle mate types too loudly and won't do anything about it when she complains? Is the girl clingy, living in the past and out of her fucking mind? Does she think she can "get him back on the winning team"?
It can be done, but there needs to be a period of no talking.
Its still a dumb idea. 95% of the time, one of the persons (usually the dropped one) is just claiming friendship in some long scheme of getting it back together.
From my experience, bad times.
Dammit Chuck, I was hoping we could get back together. Not that we were ever together in the first place, but still.
Sandy, the thing is, there is almost always a motive by one side. that is why its not worth it. it goes both ways, sometimes the guy is just sucking up friendship so they can get some later on, or vice versa. That said, i have managed to stay friends w/ one girl, but that was after months of wanting to kill her and then months of not talking to here.
Karen, I am hurt if you think our night making out on the floor of kyle's apartment wasnt something.
Wow, the floor. Good times.
Chuck, I am hurt about your rejection of my offer to move to AZ to become your "paralegal". But I'm getting over it.
Sandy, I can't answer your questions, but I can say that I think it's always helpful to stay friends with an ex because they're the few (or many, depending on how skanky you are) people who can give you advice with whoever you currently need it with. No other person aside from an ex really knows what it's like to date you. Of course, this whole argument seems to be about someone still having feelings, so that complicates everything, because any advice he/she might give you could really be construed as a conflict of interests. Shit, I don't feel any wiser after posting this.
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